The Adventures of Kat and Lee
by Headless Chicken Torso
Summary: The lesser demigods of Camp Half-Blood. Of course, ever since Heroes of Olympus, Camp Half-Blood has been relocated, and therefore, everyone has moved on to a life of chaos, time travel, and ponies, which for some reason don't appear until late in chapter 9. DISCONTINUED INDEFINITELY
1. Intro

Once upon a time, there was a girl called Kat, and she made fiction stories. There was also some guy called Lee, and he made no sense. Together, they made a really random fan fiction that involved chat rooms, talking ferrets, and giant guns. This fan fiction was called The Adventures of Kat and Lee, Lee was the son of a mad scientist, and Kat was just there, like, big bang-type there. Soon, a meteor crashed to earth, and a boy named Tomas emerged, claiming to be a pilot's son, and that the meteor was merely an aircraft.

Lee and Kat both fell for this, because one of them was insane and the other didn't give a _.

Afterwards, an experiment went horribly wrong, and Lee was crossbred with his pet cat, Mittens.

The expanded mind and senses of his cat led him to be able to solve the most complex equations, and believe that he had nine lives, which was false. He was actually immortal, unfortunately.

Kat had won an invisibility orb many weeks later, and Tomas gained a strange ability to shape-shift over time. So we have an immortal group of shape-shifting ghosts in the story, cool, not Mary-Sueish at all.

Then, when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the three of them were visited by a FRICKIN' satyr and told that they were demigods, leading to many mishaps, misadventures, misleadings, and Miss Mary Lou's, because once, Lee's old kindergarten teacher was cloned and nearly destroyed the world, but we won't tell that, as it is too interesting, just go with what we gave you, k? Good.

Here it is.

NEXT CHAPTER, DAMMIT! 


	2. CLASSIC 1

Lee walked around the cabin and waited for something to hit him in the head

-flashback-

Lee: I'm bored

Kat: We all are.

Lee: Any Ideas?

Kat: Let's divide by 0 and see if it really does make the world explode.

Lee: okay, 1 divided by 0 is... *head explodes and reverts back to it's normals shape* Positive Infinity.

Kat: Well that was boring.

Lee: Any OTHER ideas? *sees Annabeth bringing a chemistry set with her* booya!

Kat: No, you are not going to create ANOTHER mutant teddy bear.

Lee: I was gonna make an invisibility potion!

Kat: An invisible mutant teddy bear? Cool.

AT NIGHT!

Lee walked over to Kat's bed and poked her in the eye.

Kat: OW! You poked my eye!

Lee: We're going to the science Museum to get a chemistry set, remember?

Kat: OK, but no mutant teddy bears unless you put 5 in Clarisse's bunk.

Lee: I hope you don't mind if I let two others come.

Travis and Conner Stoll ran out of their cabin holding a big bag.

Travis: We're ready to rob the Museum of Science.

Kat: Why did you bring them? One annoying boy is enough!

Lee: Well, they're my half-brothers and I'm a newb so we're gonna need their help anyway.

Kat: Lee?

Lee: What?

Kat: I hate you.

Lee: Not me, hating you.

Travis: TO THE SCIENCE MUSEUM! *pulls down curtain that puts them inside the museum of science*

Lee: I need an easy button for this moment *takes easy button out of pocket*

Easy button: That was easy.

Kat: *throws easy button at Conner.*

Easy Button: That was painful.

Kat: Oh, shut up already!

Easy button: That was rude.

Kat: *breaks it*

Easy Button: That was hard.

Lee: There's the gift shop!

Kat: *after staring at it for a while* No, that sign says "Burger King"

Lee: *taking out map* We're in the wrong spot, the gift shop should be right over...

Lee pointed to the Museum of Science, which they were right in front of, then he took out a fishing rod and pulled the scene closer to the museum of science.

Lee: Ladies first Kat.

Kat: Yeah, you better go first.

Travis: Enough bickering. *Enters the gift shop and comes out with A Chemistry Set, some Astronaut Ice Cream, a microscope, and enough computers for everyone in the camp.*

Easy button: That was quick.

Kat: I thought I broke you!

Easy Button: Some of the chemicals spilt.

Lee: *pours out water all over easy button and drowns it*

Kat: Thank you!

Lee: I was starting to get annoyed by that thing!

Travis once again pulled down the curtain back to where present time was, it was still that night.

-End Flashback-

Lee waited and waited for morning, he saw the Sun rise, he waited for the explosion, then he heard Clarrise scream.

"SOMETHING'S IN MY BED!"

Kat: *somehow suddenly appears* Nice one!

Lee: I'm glad I'm a son of Hermes, especially that nobody can hear me for some reason whenever I was sneaking into the Ares cabin!

Kat: *snickers*

Lee: Well, if it weren't for you knowing what ingredients you needed to add we wouldn't even be able to pull off this stunt.

Kat: If Clarrise knew we were the ones who did it, we'd be dead by now.

Lee: I removed any sign of my DNA in there, even fingerprints with some paint.

Kat: You're so evil.

Lee: OH YEAH, and I also accidentally touched her hair so I painted that too, sucker.

Kat: Wow, I bet she's MAD.

"AND MY HAIR IS FROZEN!" Cried Clarrise.

Lee: Yeah, she's pretty mad. Did you barricade the door?

Kat: Yes.

Lee: How about the hole in the floor that we made when I added the wrong ingredient?

Kat: Yes.

Lee: How about the hole that Clarrise is making with a sa- Oh no.

Kat: I'll call for help. *disappears*

Lee: RUN AWAY! *Disappears in a puff of smoke*

Clarrise: GET BACK HERE YOU!

-Afternoon...-

Lee entered the Mess Hall with a tire surrounding his neck and a bloody nose.

Lee: She spent the whole morning beating me up.

Kat: That must've been painful.

Lee: No duh.

Kat: Go get me a tree.

Lee ran out of the mess hall, took an axe out and started singing.

Lee: Oh how I hate to get up in the mooooorning, oh how i hate to get out of-.

The Tree was cut down and Lee dragged it behind him

Lee: Your tree, miss?

Kat: Wow, I can't believe you actually did that.

Lee: I love my axe, what'd you need the tree for?

Kat: Go replant it under the Ares cabin.

Lee ran to the Ares cabin and shoveled a hole underneath it, THEN he took an acorn out and planted it in the soil, took out a chemical and poured it all over the acorn, which made it grow, and Lee ran back to the Mess hall.

Kat: You're INSANE!

Lee: Thank you, *Eats a bit of Pizza*

Kat: You don't need to capitalize pizza.

Lee: I can capitalize anything I want.

Tom came into the Mess Hall and sat down next to Lee and Kat.

Tom: What's the next scandal you two are planning?

Kat: Well, we just planted a tree under the Ares cabin.

Lee: I never knew why the camp gave us our own table.

Kat: *flicks his head* You should know.

Lee: Oh yeah, I remember that day, the one when we bought some hedgehogs?

-Flashback-

Lee: Hey guys, check out these cool blue hedgehogs that I bought from Nintendo!

Kat: BLUE hedgehogs?

Lee: Yep, must be some Sonic mascot thing they did with hair dye or something, I dunno.

Kat: That's just weird.

Lee: *Opens up box* Hello little hedg-

Hedgehog: YOU'RE TOO SLOW! *runs all over the Athena cabin and wakes up Annabeth and Tom*

Tom: WHAT THE HADES?

Annabeth: HOLY ZEUS! Whose hedgehogs are these?

Lee: Get back here Sonic!

-End Flashback-

Kat: Yeah, that was a total disaster.

Lee: I don't know how Tom was involved and not Annabeth.

Tom: Because I was chasing them around.

Lee: Oh yeah, well I think our next scandal should have something to do with the Internet, because Travis and Conner stole enough computers for everyone in camp last night.

Kat: Maybe we should try to sell them?

Lee: No way! We'd get in trouble for that!

Tom: How about we start something called Demigod Forums? A forum about stuff that goes on in Camp HalfBlood.

Kat: I vote for Tom's idea.

Percy overheard them.

Percy: How about a chat engine? I used one to talk with my pen-pal back in 5th grade.

Kat: I've changed my mind. I'm voting for Percy's idea now!

Lee: *Putting hand into a newly formed circle* Chat Engine it is! I know exactly how to make one since Hermes invented the internet.

Kat: *mutters under her breath* Show-off.

Tom: *Puts hand in* Even though I should've been first to make the circle, I'm in too.

Kat: *Puts hand in* All agreed on chat engine?

Percy: *puts hand in* Agreed, Water, Knowledge, and Internet, UNITE!

Kat: Now go back to your table before Mr. D turns you into a grape.

Percy: Good idea. *moves back to table*

-Nighttime, 7:30 PM-

Percy snuck over to the Athena cabin and knocked on the door.

Kat: Shh, everyone else is still asleep.

Tom: What's the Password?

Percy: AthenaIsAwesome142?

Kat: WRONG! *shuts door*

Percy: My bad, the password is password.

Tom: Yes. *opens door*

Kat: You may enter at your own risk.

Percy: *enters Athena cabin* So, where's Lee? And why is there a line connecting to the wall? *realizes* Oh.

Lee: *hums James Bond theme and attaches a clotheshanger to the line, and flies in*

Tom: Look out! *ducks*

Lee: *Lands on head.* Ow.

Kat: *claps sarcastically* Bravo.

Lee: Travis and Conner are here. *points to hole in the wall*

Tom: We really need to fix that...

Kat: Ah! Freaky green guy!

Tom: Where?

Kat: You know, "gullible" is written on the ceiling.

Lee: Anyway... Where'd you put the computer Tom?

Tom: Under my bed.

Kat: Which is also where he keeps his copies of "Twilight" and his diary.

Lee: Gross! I hate Twilight! They give vampires a bad name, seripmav!

Kat: He also puts bear traps under there, so watch out.

Lee: *Putting on metal gontlet* Nah, I can get it. *Fishes out laptop from under bed and pulls it out with a bunch of bear traps on his gontlet*.

Kat: So, what next?

Lee: Simple, we take out all of our computers and make usernames once I'm finished making the chat engine.

Kat: So we make a username for everyone in camp?

Lee: No, we'll know their passwords anyway since I'm the one making the chat engine, hey Percy what template do you reccomend? Labyrinth red, Sea of Monsters orange, Curse blue, or Electric turquoise?

Percy: I think Electric Turquoise.

Lee: Alright, now what to name our Engine?

Kat: "Lee is a big idiot"?

Lee: No, we're looking for a type of object.

Kat: What about "Lee's brain is too small?" A brain is an object, right?

Lee: JUST... an object, not a PHRASE, just an OBJECT.

Kat: Hmm, "Mist" or "Crazy Camp"?

Percy: How about "Hermes' Room?"

Kat: No, that's a place.

Percy: Nouns are People, PLACES, or Things, get your facts straight.

Kat: Liam didn't say "noun" he said "object"! That means it HAS to be a thing, not a place or person!

Lee: How about 'Demi-Chat'?

Kat: OK.

Lee: Demi-Chat it is! *types*

Kat: AHH! A freaky green guy!

Tom: I'm not falling for that one again.

Kat: NO, I'm serious! LOOK!

Freaky Green Guy: Hello, might I ask where you keep the spoons?

Kat: What do you want with spoons?

Freaky Green Guy: I like rusty spoons.

Kat: GET OUT OF HERE YOU PHYSCO!

Freaky Green Guy: The fish smells about done. *leaves*

Tom: Okaaay, that was weird.

Lee: Now what will we use as a password?

Percy: -KnowStealDrown-?

Lee: That DOES fit us all. *types* loading... DONE! Gentlemen and ladies, start your computers! Name your Usernames! Mine is LyingLittleLummox.

Kat: Mine is "KittyKat321"

Percy: Mine is... TidalWave120

Tom: Mine is TomTheFriar.

Annabeth: Why are you a friar? Anyway mine is IQ9000.

Travis: Clone 1.

Conner: Clone 2.

Lee: After we take this chatroom for a spin, we'll tell everyone but the Ares cabin.

-ChatRoom-

KittyKat321 has logged in

LyingLittleLummox has logged in

TomTheFriar has logged in

IQ9000 has logged in

TidalWave120 has logged in

Clone 1 and Clone 2 has logged in

LyingLittleLummox: Hey guys!

KittyKat321: Hey!

LyingLittleLummox: What?

TomTheFriar: What what, in da butt!

KittyKat321: That's just disgusting.

TomTheFriar: Heyyyyy, why's Lee's name in bold? :(

LyingLittleLummox: Because I'm an administrator!

IQinfinity has logged in.

IQ9000: MOM?

LyingLittleLummox: What're you doing here, Athena? We didn't send you an invite yet.

IQinfinity: I came to see what you kids were up to this time.

KittyKat321: It was all Lee's idea!

LyingLittleLummox: I made the Chat Engine, Yes, BUT IT WAS PERCY'S IDEA TO MAKE IT!

TidalWave120: Travis is the one who stole the computers!

Clone 1: Conner helped!

Clone 2: Lee let me!

LyingLittleLummox: You also stole a chemistry set!

IQinfinity: I'll forgive you if you make me an administrator.

LyingLittleLummox: Okay, the password is *whispers password into Athena's ear*

IQinfinity: Okay.

IQinfinity has logged off.

IQinfinity has logged in

LyingLittleLummox: The whole reason we made this chatroom is because we were bored and wanted to help the camp out a bit.

IQinfinity: I see.

KittyKat321: Um, the creepy green guy is at the door.

-Real World-

Freaky Green Guy: I hope you like... SAND!

Kat: What?

Freaky Green Guy: *Freaks out and runs away*

Tom: That guy is so weird.

-Chatroom-

IQinfinity: Ooookayyy, anyway, everything looks safe, bye!

IQinfinity has logged off

KittyKat321: How did that guy even get into the camp?

LyingLittleLummox: Mr. D got tired of monsters coming in so the borders are password protected

TomTheFriar: And the password is spoons

KittyKat321: That explains it. Maybe someone should tell Mr. D to change the password.

Thewinedood has logged in

LyingLittleLummox: Excellent timing Mr. D

KittyKat321: I think you should change the password. Some freaky green guy obsessed with spoons keeps coming to the Athena cabin.

Thewinedood: That's because he's a new camper, there was no room left in Hermes cabin so now we're stocking noobs up in Athena Cabin.

KittyKat321: Well, he's freaky. And green.

Thewinedood: **** that, he needs a shower.

GreenIsMeen has logged in

GreenIsMeen: HUBERT CUMBERDALE... FANCY SEEING YOU HERE!

Thewinedood: And a brain transplant 0_0 I'm NOT Hubert Cumberdale! I am Eggbert Cucumber!

LyingLittleLummox: 0_0

GreenIsMeen: What have you been gathering today little sister?

LyingLittleLummox: A ban from our chatroom

GreenIsMeen: I shalln't play with you again, till you have wash ...

GreenIsMeen has logged off.

LyingLittleLummox: Good riddence.

KittyKat321: Anyway, he's completely insane!

Thewinedood: I found out his parent, it's... not one that I know of! Rondam, the god of randomness

KittyKat321: Okaaay, that still doesn't explain why he's green and has no ears or nose.

Thewindedood: His mom get's sick alot and already lost her nose and ears

KittyKat321: He just said he's going to go find France...

Thewinedood: I don't know about that...

Thewinedood has logged off

TomTheFriar: Does anyone else think Mr. D just let him in here to torture us?

All: Agreed

KittyKat321: And why did he call Mr. D Hubert Cumberdale?

LyingLittleLummox: I don't know, maybe he's been drinking caffeine.

KittyKat321: I think he's just freaking insane.

KittyKat321: Uh oh, he's at the door talking about France and rusty spoons again...

LyingLittleLummox: I think we should call James Caan to come and kill him.

KittyKat321: I think we should just send him to the loony bin.

LyingLittleLummox has sent GreenIsMeen To the Loony Bin(R)

KittyKat321: It's getting late, maybe we should all log off.

LyingLittleLummox has shut down the server

-Real World-

Lee closed his laptop and ran out of Hermes cabin, he put a small message under every cabin's door saying: GO TO DEMI-CHAT DOT COM TODAY AND SIGN UP TO CHAT.

-8:30 PM-

Lee, Tom, Kat, Percy, Annabeth, Travis, and Conner met in the middle of the cabin U shape to add emoticons to the chat engine.

Lee: Okay so we'll need a smiley, a frown, a 0_0 face, a straight face, and an angry face

Kat: Dont forget the "I'm about to kill you all" face.

Lee: Can't forget that *Programs a red cartoon face which is extremely angry and pointing around* that'll be useful for you.

A harpy popped out

Harpy: BOO!

Lee: Oh, hi scary creature that wants to eat me.

Kat: 3...2...1... RUN FOR IT!

Lee: I have a Safety Pin and I'm not afraid to use it!

Kat: JUST COME ON! *drags Lee to Athena cabin as he opens his safety pin and it turns into a sword*

Kat: Why is your sword diguised as a safety pin?

Lee: It can be anything really, it can even be an envelope, a camera, or a pizza.

Kat: Who cares? Just program the smileys!

Lee: *entering Athena cabin* Done.

Kat: Show off.

Lee: I've also managed to put a teleporter in here with a formula I made with the chemistry set *teleports to Hermes cabin* bye guys!

-end chapter-

We don't own SF or Percy Jackson. 


	3. CLASSIC 2

-Last time, on 24- I mean The Adventures of Kat and Lee

Kat and Lee had created the Demi-Chatroom, thanks to inspiration from Percy, Lee had programmed smileys into the chatroom and sent everyone (except Clarrise) a little card telling of the ChatRoom, and heeeeeere's the show!

Lee: *pouring stuff into test tube* yeah! Yeah! *test tube explodes* nope, not enough salt

Kat entered the room.

Kat: What are you doing?

Lee: Trying to make mashed potatos.

Kat: Can't you just buy some?

Lee: Do you see any money in this wallet? *holds out wallet, regardless of the money jar behind him, which was loaded with silver dollars.*

Kat: There's a money jar right behind you.

Lee: No, that's my life savings, I'm saving up for a plasma screen tv.

Kat: Oh. Have you seen the freaky green guy lately?

Lee: He stopped by and asked me if I was Sarah Conner.

Kat: He hasn't been by the Athena cabin lately.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

Lee: Speak of the devil...

Freaky Green Guy: *imitating Terminator* Come with me if you want to leev!

Kat threw a rusty spoon at the door, which the green guy immidiately chased after.

Lee: Anyway, I'm gonna go meet up with my fellows and spraypaint Ares cabin purple.

Kat: See ya

-ARRRRREEEESSSSS CABBBINNNNN!-

Lee: I have the Red.

Travis: I have the Blue.

Connor: And I have the blue...PRINTS, first, we spray in front of the cabin so we can get the hard part over with, then, we spray all 3 other sides by using Blue on one side, Red on the other, then switch places, then spray the back thoroughly, then we spray the bottom.

Lee: This'll be boring so why doesn't Travis pull down the time skip curtain?

Travis: Gladly. *pulls down time skip curtain*

Travis, Lee, and Connor overlook the purple beauty of the Ares cabin.

Lee: If only all of our pranks turned out like this.

The Green Guy walked over to the three.

Freaky Green Guy: I'd like to elect you as my new playmate.

Lee: We're not up for elections but the girl in there is.

The freaky green guy walked up to the door and knocked.

Lee: We better run away.

Clarrise: What do you want?

Freaky Green Guy: I'm here to inquire about your spoons.

-IN THE DEEP DARK LAIR, OF THE ATHENA CABIN-

Kat: I can't believe you actually did that!

Lee: I love having a can of spraypaint under my bunk, it makes me feel so aLIVE!

Kat: I was talking about letting the green guy talk to Clarrise. She's gonna kill him!

Clarrise hit the side of the Athena cabin

Clarrise: He... knows... karate!

Lee: Put a vice versa on that, Kat.

Kat: Let's just pretend we had nothing to do with this...

Lee: I wouldn't worry about that, Clarrise has fainted.

Kat: You better put her back in her bunk before she wakes up and kills us all.

Lee: Excuse me, Travis can I borrow your time-skip curtain for a moment?

-Time Skip-

Lee put Clarrise into her bunk and put her Teddy Bear next to her.

Lee: *whispering* I didn't even know Clarrise had a teddy bear?

Kat: *whispering* We should take a picture of it.

Lee: No flash or Shutter Sound.

Kat: K *goes to options and turns them off, then snaps a picture of it and runs out of the cabin.*

Lee ran out of the cabin in a puff of smoke, then decided it was time to start up the chat engine.

Lee: Okay, Travis do you have the flash drive?

Travis: Yep. *Hands Lee 4 gig flash drive*

Lee: *inserting flash drive* Alrighty then, let's watch the magic of Emoticons happen!

All of the emoticons we told you about were inserted into the chat engine, then, Lee got an e-mail that two new users had arrived.

Lee: The new users are... Tin-Can-Eater109 and IAmATree24.

Kat: Grover and his girlfriend?

Lee: Well, their pictures are both the same: Grover holding Juniper's hand.

Kat: Anyway, let's log on.

-Chatroom-

KittyKat321 has logged in

LyingLittleLummox has logged in

TomTheFriar has logged in

IQ9000 has logged in

IQinfinity has logged in

TidalWave120 has logged in

Clones 1 and 2 have logged in

Tin-Can-Eater109 and IAmATree24 have logged in

KittyKat321: Hey!

Tin-Can-Eater109: Hi Kat.

LyingLittleLummox: We see you have an account on Demi-Chat.

IAmATree24: I AM A TREE!

LyingLittleLummox: I can see that...

KittyKat321: Anyone seen GreenIsMeen?

GreenIsMeen has logged in

LyingLittleLummox: I have, he's RIGHT HERE

KittyKat321: Good, this chat isn't as crazy without him.

GreenIsMeen: I've got a fish in the oven, if anyone's interested.

TidalWave120: You can't eat that fish without my say-so!

KittyKat321: Okaaay... Calm down Percy and check your ego at the door.

TidalWave120: *Gives GreenIsMeen 20 bucks* I didn't say anything.

GreenIsMeen: What is this green paper? It feels so weird...

TidalWave120: You like?

GreenIsMeen: That was a treat for the fingers.

TidalWave120: I'll take that as a yes.

TomTheFriar: Can I have twenty bucks, too Percy?

TidalWave120: No.

Earth-Shaker222 has logged in

TidalWave120: Um, WTF are you doing here?

Earth-Shaker222: I... AM YOUR FATHER! KOO KAA KOO KAA

KittyKat321: This chatroom is getting weirder by the second...

GreenIsMeen: What's wrong Mr. Fingers?

KittyKat321: O.o There's no one here named "Mr. Fingers"

GreenIsMeen: My name is Mr. Fingers.

KittyKat321: Lee, can you please eject him?

LyingLittleLummox: Nah, he's about to end the chapter right now.

GreenIsMeen: *cuts himself on a nail accidentally* I like it when the red water comes out...

-end chapter- 


	4. CLASSIC 6

Chapter 6, Kat's Plastic Bubble of Doom OR Chiron, I shrunk the Gods

WARNING: CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY LONG AND STRANGE

Lee hummed a tune while pouring water out of a watering can onto a bush of... doughnuts.

"Hey Lee what are ya doing?" Screamed Tom out of nowhere.

"I'm watering my bush." Said Lee, calmly.

"You two are just plain weird. And not in a good way. At all." Said Kat after finishing her doughnut that she had stolen off Lee's bush.

Lee gasped, "You ate one o' my DOUGHNUTS!"

Kat shoved a doughnut in his mouth. "Have one and shut up."

Lee swallowed his doughnut, "You-you-you! GAH! MAGICUS NO-MORE-ICUS!" He pointed a random stick at Kat and a fart came out of it, nothing happened at all because Kat was not magic.

"And that was supposed to do what exactly?"

Lee awkwardly put the stick down, "I don't... know, RAZAMAFU!" Kat and Tom poofed away from the bush and Lee sighed, "Are you... o...KAY? MY PRETTIES?" He rubbed a bagel in affection, "Wait a minute, YOU'RE A BAGEL! LIAR!" He teleported the bagel away.

-LATER AT BREAKFAST-  
>"Mmm, a sausage." Said Lee, "I can't wait to eat this... WHOOPS!" Lee slipped on an inconvenientally placed banana peel and his sausage flew through the air and landed on Kat, who began to burn.<p>

"So predictable." Said Tom, who had just sat down.

"What?" Asked Kat, who had finally gotten the sausage off her.

"I'm just saying, that was totally predictable." Replied Tom.

"You're right." Answered Kat.

Clarrise saw the burning and thought this a perfect oppertunity to get rid of the leader of her worst enemies. "Mister DEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She shouted annoyingly.

"What?" Asked Mr. D, who seemed very annoyed.

"Kat burned when she touched a sausaaaaaaaaaaaage, I think she needs to be kept in a plastic bubble because she looks like she has the contagious MEAT-BURN Diseeeeeeeease!"

"A PLASTIC BUBBLE? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? A FREAKING HAMSTER?" Kat screamed as she grabbed a fork to use as a weapon and Tom tried to hold her back.

"...You are close to that species." Percy muttered under his breath.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" She screamed and tried to free herself from Tom.

"Into the bubble!" Said Mr. D, suddenly taking out a large Plastic Bubble.

"NO! I REFUSE! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!" She screamed in protest, but got shoved into the bubble anyway.

"You're named after one." Said Lee.

She kept stabbing the bubble with her fork but it wouldn't work.

"When I get out of here I am going to kill you all." She had to mouth the words because the bubble was sound proof.

"Can we take the bubble to our cabin?" Asked Clarrise, "She shouldn't contaminate the Athena kids with MEAT BURN disease, but meat already burns us, see?" She put a sausage on her finger and faked pain.

"Isn't she already safe from contaminating others?" Asked Lee, but Clarrise gave him a death stare and Lee looked away.

"You just never know." Said Clarrise.

"...I'm okay with it." Said Mr. D.

"No! Don't let her go with those evil things! They'll eat her liver!" Shouted Tom.

"WE GAVE UP LIVER EATING LAST TUESDAY!" Shouted one of the Ares kids.

"Well... They'll eat her lungs! They'll eat something! Please don't make her live with them." Tom yelled and Kat nodded to show she agreed.

"Nah, we'll only eat her pet ferret." Said Clarrise.

This caused Kat to get mad again and she angrily threw herself against the inside of the bubble trying to get out and save Mr. Muffin.

"NO WAY!" Yelled Lee, taking out a strange-looking syringe, "DARE YE AND FACE TITAN CAP EXTRACT!"

They all stared at him with a confused look.

"It makes YOU die and ME evil," said Lee. "So back off."

Clarrise recoiled and ran away with the plastic bubble.

"Ah crap." Said Lee.

"We have to go save Kat!" Said Tom.

"My idea first, four eyes!" Said Lee, and he took out another syringe, "With a little bit of Le Switcheroo, it took me weeks to perfect, now is the time to test it!"

"You've gotta be kidding me." Tom sighed.

-LATER, AT THE ATHENA CABIN-

Tom and Lee ran into the cabin holding cans of raid and spraying two giant ants, when the ants finally died, they put down the cans.

"Who knew that the Athena cabin would be surrounded by giant guard ants today?" Said Tom.

"Those are my giant radioactive test ants!" Said Lee, frowning, "And I thought that HERMES was the god of stealing stuff!"

"Whatever." Said Tom, "Let's just get Mr. Muffin and get outta here." He looked under the beds and the drawers, but the ferret was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Mr. Muffin? Kat will freak if he gets eaten..." Said Tom.

"What are you two doing?" Asked Annabeth, suddenly coming into the room.

"Kat's been put into a giant bubble and kidnapped by the Ares cabin, who says they're gonna eat her ferret, so we are trying to find him so Kat doesn't have to see him get eaten." Answered Lee.

"Oh, I heard that from your brothers," Annabeth replied, "that's why I kidnapped him first, do you need him for anything?" She took Mr Muffin out from behind the door.

"I need to switch brains with him." Said Lee.

"Why?" Asked Annabeth suspiciously.

"Stealth."

"Good enough." Annabeth put the ferret onto the ground and Lee dramatically took out a double-sided syringe, jabbed it into his arm, then picked up Mr Muffin and did the same to him, and both of them slowly morphed into the other.

Mr Muffin (Now in Lee's body) began to react, "Sweet! I'm really tall! I can see things no ferret has seen before! I can flyyyy!" He jumped out of the hole in the wall and landed on his head, "Ow."

Lee felt much much closer to the ground, "So furry and warm, but this is no time to be free, I must rescue my mistress- er, friend!"

"She is MY friend too!" Replied Tom.

"You're just plan B." Said Mr Muffin.

Tom began to whimper, "THAT'S IT! I'M SICK OF BEING ABUSED! I'M GOING EMO!" And he ran off to do so.

Lee, now a ferret, held up a sign saying: "NO OFFENSE TO ANY EMOS READING THIS FICTION INTENDED"

"Now can we please move on with the fic?" Asked Annabeth, a bit annoyed.

"Sure." Said Lee, but he couldn't get used to the ground being so close to his nose and tried to walk on two legs but failed, causing Mr. Muffin to kick him all the way to Ares cabin. "THANKS MR MUFFIN!" Lee yelled sarcastically, and crawled into the cabin, where the Ares kids were tossing Kat around like a beach ball.

"Be brave William Thomas Marion Eddward Riley Junior." Lee said to himself, and scuttled along the cabin, sadly noticed by one of the Ares kids.

"HEY LOOK!" Said one of the Ares kids, "It's Kat's ferret! Let's BAKE IT, THEN EAT IT!"

"Zeus have mercy on my pitiful soul..." Said Lee, being put into an oven, "It's like an oven in here! Oh wait, it is an oven, hee hee, i made a funny!"

Kat rolled her eyes at Lee's lame joke but tried to distract them anyway. She began to roll around across the cabin and bump into people.

"Look! That cat-girl is rolling people over!" Said a stupid Ares kid.

Kat ran him over too and rolled the person putting Lee in the oven over just before he closed the door.

"Hooray! I don't have to look like a furry two face!" Lee shouted in joy.

"NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS BUBBLE!" Mouthed Kat.

"I would but there's only one problem..." Lee worried. "I DON'T HAVE ANY APPOSABLE FREAKING THUMBS!"

"Then just roll me out of here! I'll have Tom get me out!" She mouthed back.

"I can't do that either..." Lee muttered.

She sighed and rolled herself out, breaking the door down on the way out.

"AFTER THAT HUMAN BEACH BALL!" Yelled Clarrise, and she quickly held up the plastic bubble that Kat was inside of and threw it back into the cabin, then she threw pieces of wood over where the door used to be.

Kat pulled out her cell phone and called Tom. "Hey Tom... Why are you crying?... Oh... Can you come rescue me please?"

"Why didn't you do that earlier?" Lee asked, kind of annoyed.

"I wanted to see if anyone would try to rescue me." She answered.

"Aren't we not allowed to USE phones?" Lee asked.

"No, we aren't, but then again, when do I follow the rules?" She pointed out.

"...Damn you... DAMN YOU!" Lee screamed dramatically.

"Shut up ferret!" Said Clarrise, "Get into the pie!" She put him into a pie that was for some reason full of fruit and not meat pie ingredients.

"NOOOO! I DON'T EVEN LIKE PIE!" Lee screamed while being put into one of those 'Dinner Is Served' bowls.

Kat tried to hide her laughter. "Don't eat him. He tastes like bird poop." She mouthed

"We eat birds with droppings as sauce." Said one of the Ares kids, known simply as Matt.

"I meant he tastes like rainbows and lollipops." She replied.

"...EWWWWWWW." Matt recoiled.

Tom broke the wooden barricade down, following his promise he was now emo, he had dyed his hair black with red streaks, he was wearing a shirt with a skull on it, and his normal black pants still remained, he also had a shotgun in his hands.

"Wow. If I weren't his sister I would think he was kind of hot." Kat thought to herself.

"Where'd he get a gun from?" Asked Lee.

"Lee, I know you like eddsworld, but you don't have to quote it." Kat said, annoyed.

"But seriously, where?"

"I don't know!"

"I've watched my share of eddsworld, too." Said Clarrise, "So tell me, Tom, how do you kill someone you can't..." She took Kat out of her bubble and stepped in. "...Recognize?" Then she realized what she did. "Oh, crap."

"Prepare to die!" Tom screamed, loading his shotgun.

"LUKE AT YER LEETLE BABY GON!" Yelled an Ares kid who played WAY too much Team Fortress 2.

"What?" Asked Tom, lowering his gun.

"I was told, we would be fighting MEN!" The Ares kid (otherwise known as Eddie) replied.

"Shut up!" Tom screamed, now crying, he ran away.

"He's still sensitive..." Said Lee, suddenly Mr Muffin (human form) popped up out of nowhere with Lee's Scorpion Bazooka. "Wow, I never knew I was so badass."

"I HAVE COME FOR THE ONE NAMED KAT." Mr Muffin yelled. "Tell me where she is or- Oh there you are." Mr Muffin noticed Kat ridiculing Clarrise.

"Hi Mr. Muffin." Kat said, sounding very bored.

"Hello, Kat, say weren't YOU in that bubble last time I saw you..?" asked Mr Muffin.

"Yeah, but Clarrise is stupid and stepped into the bubble to disguise herself."

"Tom isn't dumb enough to fall for that," Mr Muffin replied, "He's just gullible."

"Clarrise is the one that's dumb. Wanna keep her as a pet?" Asked Kat.

"Yep." Said Mr Muffin

"Should I get the shrinkage beads?" Lee asked.

"Yeah. When are you guys going to switch back?"

"2.5 Earth Minutes from now." Lee said like a scientist.

"Don't talk like that. I hate scientists." Kat glared at him.

"Isn't that a shock?" Asked Mr Muffin.

LATER IN HERMES CABIN OUR 2 HEROES AND ONE ANTIHERO- ERR I MEAN FERRET HAVE CHANGED BACK AND ARE NOW CONCOCTING A BREW OF SHRINKAGE BEADS SO THEY ARE.

"So, what's the next ingredient?" Kat asked, holding a red bottle and a blue bottle and looking at them both with a very confused look

"The large end of a TELESCOPE!" Lee yelled, taking out a telescope and ripping the larger lense clean off of it. "Duh."

"You're crazy..."

"Well it's not my fault, look at ME through the large lense of a telescope and say I don't look any shorter." Lee said angrily.

"Eh, whatever."

Mr Muffin jumped up as his giant form and purred like a cat next to Kat. "I love you Kat."

Lee gasped, "Cool!"

"What? Never seen a giant ferret before?"

"Oh I've seen you giant before, I didn't know you could become giant at will!" Lee was sticking his tongue out stupidly.

"Riiiiiight." Mr Muffin looked off to the other side of the cabin. "I think I saw your incredibly hot kitten over there..." He walked out of the cabin.

"I refuse to let my ferret date your terrible excuse for a cat!"

"She isn't a terrible excuse, she has an IQ of 188." Lee chuckled.

"Mr. Muffin has an IQ of 200!" Kat argued back.

"Back to the beads, now we need some washing machine fluid." Lee took out a washing machine and emptied the contents into the cauldron.

"This is a really weird recipe."

"Just everything that makes everything it comes in contact with look tiny." Lee opened up a book that said, 'THE BOOK OF POTIONS AND SUCH FOR MAD SCIENTISTS'.

"I already told you, I don't like scientists." Kat knocked the book out of his hand and onto the floor.

"I'm a MAD scientist." Lee said, picking up his book and blowing dust off of it, "Ah, the last ingredient, a lock of fur from a small animal, and since your ferret isn't here." Lee picked up a mouse scampering around the room and plucked a hair off of the small thing.

"We need more mouse traps in this camp." Kat pointed out.

"We don't want this place looking like a mouse deathtrap though, we need to use the mice for potion making, their fur has magical value." Lee pointed out.

"Whatever. Is it done yet?"

"Yup." Said Lee, "Bring in the victim!"

Tom rolled the plastic bubble Clarrise was inside of into the room.

"I have a SCORE to settle with you," Lee poked the plastic bubble.

"I do too." Kat gave Clarrise a death glare.

"And I... don't even care." Said Tom, taking out a book that said 'Percy Jackson and the Olympians' on the cover.

"PARADOX!" Yelled a random squid, Lee wacked him out of the room.

"Now, time to settle the score." Lee took out a squirt gun and poured the fluid into it. "HEEYA!" He shot the gun straight at the bubble and Clarrise with it shrank down to the size of a pinball, Lee bent over on his knees to have a look, "Little tiny bubble, oh little thi-" A pipe shot water at him out of nowhere, "-GAH! CURSE YOU TINY BUBBLE!"

Kat laughed at him and dumped even more water on him.

"How do you like it?" Lee asked and filled a cup with water and splashed it all over Kat, but then, she started burning.

She gasped and ran to the bathroom and used the hand towel to dry off.

"What the heck just happened?" She said after she had dried off.

"There'll be fog on the shore tonight Bosun." The freaky green guy said into the window.

"I thought we ditched that idea after chapter five?" Asked Mr Muffin, coming back into the room with kiss marks on his face.

"I thought that too. Also, that reminds me, we haven't done the chat room for a while." Kat pointed out.

"I think we should ditch that too, it's just a waste of this fanfiction's time and doesn't really make it any more exciting." Lee said boredly.

"True. Now can we please stop breaking fourth walls?" Tom added.

"It wouldn't make a difference, the cameraman quit putting new lenses over the camera." Lee spoke through the broken fourth wall.

"Whatever, now what should we do with Clarrise?" Kat asked, poking the tiny bubble.

They all thought for a moment, and all at once, they said, "Pinball."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Na na na na na! This song has no plot, my car's not in the parking lot-

"I'VE LOST MY HAT!"

"OH NOEZ!

Kevin now makes Edd look like a proffessional wrestler...

SHAKESPEAR KITTEN PRESENTS:

WHEN DOUBLE D LOSES HIS HAT, NOW PLAYING.

END COMMERCIAL

Kat won the first pinball game, but Percy, who had randomly appeared randomly during the commercials, had won the second.

Isn t it strange how so many characters randomly appear in this fanfiction? Asked Lee, Hmm, must be something new at camp.

MEANWHILE

Get these teleportation devices while Mr D is still chasing the gold drachma my brother put on a string! Said Travis holding up a watch-like object.

BACK AT HERMES CABIN

Lee gawked at the previous scene, Well, now that I m up-to-date with those teleport watches my half-brothers are selling thanks to the scroll bar... He took out a test tube full of dust, I am going to look for my radioactive test ants and give them their weekly serving of swelling dust! While he was walking he slipped on an inconvenientally placed banana peel. NOT AGAIN! The dust flew onto Kat s shoe and it grew 10x its size.

Heh heh, Lee rubbed his neck, Whoops?

Kat glared at him. Whoops? Say you re sorry or I ll crush you with my shoe!

Sorry. Said Lee, looking down.

Good boy. Now shrink my shoe!

Take your foot out of it and I will, because I might shrink you too. Lee glared back.

She took her foot out and sat down next to Tom. Whatcha readin?

I can t tell you or it ll cause a paradox. Said Tom, then the cabin started getting cramped, Oh he did not.

Aww crap why can t I do anything right? Lee said, his head hitting the roof of the cabin.

Karma with a capital K. Tom replied.

Hey, you have been shrunken with the cabin, it s not like I can t squash you right now. Lee said

THAT NIGHT

The cabin grew to gigantic size Dammit. Lee said, The cabin turned upside down. F*** with a capital F.

Inside the cabin, the three of them were 10 feet tall with their eyebrows blown off, I don t understand why I can t get your shoe back to normal!

My shoe is too awesome for your dumb magic. That s why. Kat replied angrily.

Let me try one more time. Lee put some powder on a magic-proof stick and poked Kat s shoe, nothing happened. Oh what do you know, this is that one-size-fits-all powder I have been looking for, Your shoe is now technically back to normal, Kat.

Kat sighed and threw the shoe out the door. I ll get a new one later.

Now If I can just get US back to normal, Lee said, he found his shrinkage beads again and sprinkled them all over the place. And... The cabin only shrunk, but not them, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!

You love Pete? Awesome! Kat joked.

Oh haha. Not funny. He said, So how about we get outta here and go to Olympus to make the gods think they ve been shrunk to normal size?

Sounds awesome. Kat said and followed him out the door.

Lee, what are you on cause I need some! Yelled Tom and he ran after them.

I don t think he s on anything Tom. His mom just dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Kat yelled back and waited for him to catch up.

ATHENA CABIN

Lee knocked on the door and Annabeth stepped out, What great scheme are you up to today?

We re gonna go to Olympus and make the Gods think that they are normal size! Lee chuckled, Maybe even make them normal size if we can get away with it.

Wanna come? Asked Kat.

Is Lee on anything? Annabeth asked.

No, his mom just dropped him on his head when he was little. Kat answered.

Alright, let me just get my normal clothes on. Annabeth walked back into her cabin, then came out in normal clothes.

To Percy s cabin! Said Lee, and started walking towards Poseidon cabin.

POSEIDON CABIN

Lee knocked on the door. Percy answered it, Hello?

Lee began speaking Jibberish then he finished with BLUE MEANIES!

What? Said Percy.

I mean, wanna go to Olympus and make the Gods normal sized? Lee asked.

Percy whispered to Kat. Is Lee on something?

Kat laughed and shook her head. You re the third person to ask that so far. No, his mom just dropped him on his head when he was a baby.

Alright, count me in. Percy came with them.

THREE HOURS LATER

I... PANT... think... PANT... we... PANT... need... PANT... a mode... PANT... of transportation. Lee fell to his knees.

I ll teleport my car here. Kat said and teleported her car right next to her using one of those teleportation watches.

You re not old enough to drive! Tom yelled.

Or am I? She pulled out her school ID pretending it was her driver s licence.

That s your school ID. Lee said.

You re right, I m not. Just get in the car. She said.

May I at least use the mist to disguise this car as a go-kart? Asked Tom.

Fine, go ahead.

Tom snapped his fingers and a silvery glow surrounded the car, unlike most mist-usings.

What s with the silver glow? Kat asked, confused.

It s my only way to tell whether or not it s surrounded by the mist, Tom said, I m be-spectacled, can t you tell by the glasses?

Maybe you should get contacts. Kat said and drove away.

Does your stepmother know you know how to drive? Asked Percy from behind one of the seats.

Nope. Kat answered as she took a bit too wide of a turn going 10 miles over the speed limit.

Does Athena know? Asked Lee.

She s Athena, so probably. Kat answered.

Does she know what we re gonna do? No. You did that spell so no one would know, not even the gods. Remember?

Yeah. Lee said, Don t you find it strange that we re technically more powerful than the gods?

The authors are cool so they made us that way. She answered, now going 17 miles over the speed limit.

Are we there yet? Asked Tom irritably.

No. How fast do you dare me to go? Kat asked.

Percy, Tom, Lee, and Annabeth all agreed on: 103 miles per hour.

Cool. Kat responded as she sped up.

I swear that I m gonna puke! Annabeth pointed out, and stuck her head out the window, puked, and saw the puke vaporize within only seconds.

Lee was looking out the window and suddenly saw a dragon. He stared at it. Hey Haku! The dragon made a peace sign.

The car jerked to a stop when they crashed into the Empire State Building.

What the Hades? Yelled Annabeth, Cool! I didn t even feel that! What s this car made out of?

Something. I m not exactly sure. She answered, then saw a notice on the mirror saying: BATHED IN THE RIVER STYX

Cool. Said Lee, sticking his head out the window. Alright, so who has the shrinkage beads? Percy. Kat replied.

Indeed I do. Said Percy, holding a jar full of what looked like green glow-in-the-dark BBs. Finally we can look down on the Gods. Wow, that sounded extremely evil.

Almost all of my thoughts sound extremely evil. Let s just get inside, I m getting soaked. Said Kat, who was getting soaked due to the sudden rain that had just moved in.

Hmm, Zeus must be tired. Lee said, I hear him snoring.

INSIDE THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

Wow, the elevator button, I haven t seen one of these in a long time... Tom said, My mom always tells me to take the stairs.

Wrong elevator, Tom. Said Lee, and he pointed at the man at the desk.

They walked up to the desk, the man asked what their purpose was, but immediately let them in because he seemed to find Kat attractive.

I knew my looks would help us one day. Kat bragged.

If you weren t so smart, you would be a daughter of Aphrodite. Said Tom.

Thanks. Now TO OLYMPUS. Kat replied.

They walked into an elevator where a random guy who looked like the Grim Reaper was and Lee smiled at him and said, I ve got new socks on.

Lovely. Said Death.

What are you going to Olympus for? Asked Tom.

You first.

Well, since you re Death and you were my science teacher for 5 years, Lee said, I m guessing you know I was great at making size-changing potions and I was planning on making the Gods smaller-

Oh, you re doing that? Asked Death, Dude, that was your ambition for the 5 years I taught you, I thought you were bluffing, congrats!

Lee shook Death s hand but felt extremely cold when he did and recoiled.

But I have to ask, what are you on? Death asked.

Kat, Tom, and Annabeth started laughing like crazy and Lee just glared at them.

I fell off a boat when I was 4. He whispered into Death s ear.

I thought your mom dropped you on your head? Tom asked.

She did drop me, I did land on my head, it was just from a boat to a dock. Lee said, then the elevator dinged.

Here s my stop. Said Death, and he got off the elevator and waved farewell to Lee.

Why-? Percy began.

Me and Death have known each other since Kindergarten. Lee said, He was a great science teacher, until one of my classmates- who has a big head -found out the teacher was Death and he was fired.

How big of a head did he have? Asked Tom.

Well, this is an understatement, but it was about 10 inches wide and tall. Lee said.

YES! HIS HEAD IS BIGGER THAN MINE! Said Annabeth.

DING! The elevator came to a stop.

Oh I feel so excited for this moment. Said Lee, holding up the jar of green beads.

Hey Lee, you and Kat are both really crazy. You would make a good couple. Annabeth said.

NO THEY WOULDN T! Tom yelled. Lee is crazy in a bad way! He might accidentally blow her up or something.

You don t have to insult me, I don t think we re a good couple either! Said Lee.

I agree with Lee and Tom. We would make a terrible couple. Kat repled, Now get out of the elevator! She said, pushing Lee out the door.

Thank you. Said Tom.

You re not welcome. She answered jokingly.

Now, Olympus is just past this... really long bridge. Said Lee.

Nah, not really. Said Percy, then he tore what appeared to be wallpaper off of the 2nd wall. Just tear this wallpaper off and you ll be at these gigantic doors.

Hey Annabeth, why are you so quiet today? Asked Tom.

...I looked so insignificant in the movie. Said Annabeth, They were double the size of what they are in the real world those Gods.

You all looked insignificant. Kat pointed out.

Shut up. Said Percy, I bet they didn t even use the program to grow things for the movie.

Let s get off the subject. Said Lee, Now, the beads.

Hey Lee, what if you accidentally shrunk Olympus? That would be hilarious. Kat said.

As hilarious it may be we need to make the Gods look insignificant. Lee replied, Thankfully these beads only work when crushed. Then he took out a BB gun, loaded it with twelve shrinkage beads, gave guns to the others, and also gave them twelve beads.

YAY! Shooting things is the only thing that make me happy! Tom said as he grabbed the gun and beads.

Open fire in 3... Lee readied his gun, 2... He backed away and made sure nobody accidentally shrunk themselves. Fire.

Everyone began shooting and just for the fun of it, Kat shot Lee.

I knew you would do that, so I bought a bullet proof vest. Lee said.

Vests don t work on your head. Kat pointed out, shooting the gun at his head.

Well I m just that awesome. Lee said, and didn t shrink down, he just kept firing at the Gods. And my own beads don t work on me.

I ll have to complain to the authors after the chapter is done. Kat replied and went back to shooting the gods.

Lee shot Zeus until he became the size of a french fry pod, I really never liked him, He shot Artemis 20 times I hate her.

I kinda like her. Kat said.

Yeah, because you re SEXIST. Lee replied.

Am NOT!

Whatever, just get Hera hard. Annabeth said, I have a score to settle with her.

I m going to shoot Ares. Kat decided and shrunk him to the size of a tea cup.

Hmm, I think we should definitely leave Poseidon alone, he s the only one here with common sense. Percy said.

Agreed. Lee replied.

Can I shoot you instead? Asked Kat.

I have a curse on me that everytime a magical spell is cast upon me I turn into a guinea pig for 10 seconds. Percy said, Now that you think of it, it s more of a blessing, thanks Circe!

Kat shot him anyway.

Aww. Annabeth said, looking at the guinea pig Percy. You re so cute as a guinea pig. Then Percy changed back.

I kinda don t like mom. Tom whispered, She forgot my birthday.

Everyone shoot Athena! Kat announced because she had been the only one to hear Tom, and 50 rounds of SB were unloaded on Athena, turning her to the size of a cockroach.

How about we shoot Olympus just for the fun of it? Said Annabeth, they all aimed their guns downward...

ELEVATOR

Lee and the others came running into the elevator before the bridge of Olympus became too small to walk on.

That was awesome! Kat yelled when they were safe in the elevator.

Thanks for stating the obvious! Annabeth panted, Glad we made it here alive.

Well how could we make it DEAD? Asked Tom.

Good point. Kat said. Hey, anyone want a free highfive?

I don t trust you, you could have a shrinkage bead in your hand. Said Lee.

If I had one and it got crushed we would both shrink. Kat pointed out.

Good point. Said Lee, then they all high fived Kat.

You know, I am VERY happy right now. Said Tom, Seriously, we ve proved ourselves more powerful than the Gods, we got them in their sleep! Wait til they wake up!

I know. I wonder if they ll know it was us?

Remember Kat? The spell?

Oh yeah.

It makes us invisible to any God when we are causing mischief. Lee said, We are like Fred and George, Pippin and Merry, someone else who causes mischief, anyway, we rock!

I know we do. She smiled and leaned against the elevator.

...Anyone have a coke? Asked Percy, Someone here has to be thirsty right now.

Nope. Said Lee.

Maybe we should pick up coke on the way home? Suggested Kat.

They got back into Kat s car and started listening to music, Aliens Exist by Blink 182.

Let s not sing along or this might turn into a typical fanfic. Said Lee, stopping Annabeth from singing.

I wonder if aliens really do exist? Kat wondered.

The camera zoomed out and the shadowy figures from last chapter appeared.

I think she is catching on. Said the purple one.

She has completed her first mission. Said the red one, That insane boy with the spiky hair, he may give us the upper hand in our mission, contact Kat s protector at once.

You mean Tom? Asked the purple one, He should already know.

Just contact him. The red one answered, annoyed.

END

Wow, this is the longest chapter we have ever written, I cannot believe it! Catboy said.

My brain and eyes hurt from writing this. VampireCat said.

Well, let s be proud and drink some caffeinated beverages. Catboy took out some Mountain Dew.

VampireCat took out coke instead and took a sip. Blegh! This coke tastes like pepsi!

Dyslexia must be switching the ingredients around with the title. Said Catboy.

Maybe. She said, then pulled the Chapter End curtain. 


	5. Obligatory Christmas Special

-Chapter 7, Kat and Lee's Super Special Fudge Coated Minty Fresh Extra Long Obligatory Christmas Special, Part I-

A thought popped into Lee's head, then he rushed downstairs to the fridge and opened the door, he took out the Motherfucking(TM) milk, and poured a cup, then he poured it into his ear, it drained through his brain. "My gods! I can see... EVERYTHING!" Lee repeatedly slammed himself into the wall, then he fell onto the ground, there was a squeaking noise in his ear, and the milk leaked out of his noggin as if from a valve.

"Lee, are you on drugs?" asked Tom, who was playing Apples-to-Apples with Kat and Sam at the kitchen table.

"Yeah, Lee, sharing is caring!" replied Kat.

"I don't know, all I did was pour milk in my ear, how is that as if from my regular too-weird-to-be-alive state?" Lee picked his cup back up and poured some more Motherfucking Milk.

"I'm just bored, gull-darn it!" yelled Tom, as he slammed down a card.

"Randy Newman," said Sam. "Tom, the adjective was 'delicious'."

"D'OH!" screamed Tom, slamming his fist into his face.

"Kat, you win for 'human blood'," said Sam, handing Kat a green card.

"I'm gonna go out and unravel some secrets of the universe, okay?" said Lee, getting his hat and his jacket on, also picking up a long bronze axe.

"Kay," a unanimous reply from his cohorts permitted Lee to exit the building with his axe.

A pause. "We're going to the mall now," said Tom, realizing how much of their lives they were wasting.

A fine, snowy, December evening coated the city in white frost- oh wait, now the camera's zooming out to show that this so-called city is actually a gingerbread village with a crap load of realistic decoration.

"Now, if I could just find the lights that change color like those of the Empire State Building lying around, I'd be all set," said Percy, who was staring at the village.

The door to Percy's room shot open, and Lee walked in. "'Ello, Percy!"

The little gingerbread people in the city fleed in terror, jumping out of buildings and into rivers.

"Hello, Lee, still trying to maintain a stereotypically flamboyant British accent, as always?" Percy said.

"Yep, after nearly four 'undred years o' livin' in 'Merica, I'm still tryin' ta maintain- oh screw the flamboyancy, I want you to go to the bottom of the ocean to murder the bloke blasting Christmas carols from his radio with this axe," Lee gave Percy the large bronze axe he had retrieved from his apartment.

"How can you hear him from here? Manhattan may be an island but how on earth are you hearing Christmas carols coming from the bottom of the ocean, which is a good deal of miles away, from a floor in an apartment in freaking New York?" Percy asked.

"I'm just asking you to slaughter a man who is being too festive on the first of December," said Lee.

"If you can even hit them with this axe, then I'll kill the guy, if it passes right through him, I'll throw you to the wolves and make you explain EVERYTHING," said Percy, he tossed the axe back to Lee, pushed him out the door, and locked it.

"Ho ho ho," Lee said, and he twirled his axe around like a baton as he walked off screen.

The camera (yes, we're sticking with a television-esque setting) pans down the elevator shaft as the elevator Lee is inside of goes slightly faster than the camera, he is humming "Carol of the Bells" with his hands behind his back like one of the snooty-ass people you see in movies, as a matter of fact, he would look quite snooty if it were not for the fact that he had placed a glowing bronze axe on the floor of the elevator. When the elevator moves down off screen, we zoom in to one of the loose pipes in the wall, the camera enters the pipe, with many twists and turns, passing rats, traveling baby kittens, and slime men, one of which decided to slide down the pipe, so we're following that slime man.

The camera cuts to the outside of the building where the slime man falls into the snow with a quick "splat".

Lee exits, holding a guitar case instead of his axe, now humming "Deck the Halls". Lee stops humming and looks at the green splat in the snow. He shrugs, and continues humming as he walks to a manhole cover in the street. It, like the axe, is glowing, and also made of bronze. He uncovers the cover and enters yet another glowing bronze tube, which is also full of rats. The camera watches as Lee descends into the tunnel, recovering the manhole cover. A car passes over, then there is a sound of rapid squeaking and gnawing, and a scream of pain from Lee.

The camera cuts to a carpeted floor, an ant skitters over to where the camera is pointing, and scans the floor with its antennae. There is a loud bang, an enormous mass falls towards the ant, the ant squeals in horror, and the mass crushes it.

The camera zooms out to show the mass is actually a hardcover copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Yep, that ant's definitely dead.

Tom placed the book back onto the shelf (we're flopping between script and book formats right now), and wiped the blood stain off with his sleeve. "Eugh, ant organs."

The camera cuts to an even further zoom, it shows the interior of the Barnes and Noble inside a community shopping mall.

A red-headed man and another one with black hair and glasses were playing cards while a brunette woman darted around looking for books.

"And he's like "give me the stone" and I'm like "no bitch, you're lying!"," said the man with black hair in an English accent as he slapped down a card. The man with red hair chuckled.

"That story get's funnier every time you tell it, Harry," also in an English accent.

Tom turned around, and the two men immediately went back to playing cards.

"Huh," Tom said, and he went back to looking for a good fiction novel.

Now, the camera cuts back to panning through the shining bronze sewer pipes with a light attached to the camera, probably. The camera stops panning when it comes to the back of Lee's head, Lee is now carrying his axe and the guitar case is nowhere to be seen.

Lee wandered through the glowing series of pipes with pieces of his clothes torn off and a few cuts and bruises left by the rats on his face. Lee started jabbing at the ceiling with his axe, a few drops came down. Lee went forward a few steps, and jabbed the ceiling with his axe once more, water in higher quantity spilled onto him. Lee ran up to a piece of the pipe that was already leaking, and he slammed his axe up against it. Nothing happened.

"Bother, I must have gone past it," Lee said, then he turned his head. "Well, I guess I have nothing else to do for the next few minutes besides turning away and finishing one of my sentences without any interrup-"

The ceiling entirely caved in, and sucked Lee into the ocean, along with his axe and a few drops of waste, Lee began gasping for air as he slowly floated, then he stopped gasping, and everything simply ceased.

A slow, sad melody of "Deck the Halls" plays as the camera fades out.

_**COMMERCIAL BREAK**_

"_**To tell everyone how much we love them, we dropped Little Debbie snacks with parachutes attached to them on some random city in the United States, this time it was Augusta! Better luck next time, America!"**_

_**COMMERCIAL END**_

The camera slowly fades in from Lee's POV, "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" is playing on a nearby radio, and the window in the building shows that this house is underwater. A brown couch with a Maine Coon sitting on top of it overlooks a television set playing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", so, the song "Eddie's Teddy" is mixing in with "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" rather unfittingly. The camera then takes a look from an overhead point of view, it's Lee's turn to get up.

"Blimey," Lee said, looking at the window. "This house is made of brick! How very handy that must make it in the event of a hurricane."

"Handy it is, laddy," said an Irish accent from the kitchen.

"And someone still lives here!" Lee said.

"Doesn't the cat already count?" said the owner of the Irish accent, who stuck his head through the kitchen doorway, that of which held white hair.

"My bad, someone HUMAN still lives here," Lee said.

The cat turned into a little girl, also with white hair, and she turned her head to Lee. "Ahem?"

"My apologies, m'lady, I'd lift my hat off to you but I believe I may have left it in my closet," Lee tipped an invisible hat to the nine-year-old.

"Wanna hear a funny story?" said the little girl. "I'm actually three hundred years older than I look. So you can't boss me around!"

"Surprise surprise, I'm a bloody pilgrim, little lady," Lee said, slightly more irritated. "Is your brother a tricentenniagenararian too, or whatever it's called?"

"Actually, I've been around since the universe was starting out as a dwarf star!" said the white-haired boy, who was holding an ice cream sandwich. His sister morphed back into a cat.

"...NEAT," said Lee.

"I floated around the star for fourteen years, until finally, some titan tossed the first jumper cable into space, so I hooked it up to the dwarf star, sparked it with the energy from a nearby generator, and BAM!" the boy clapped his hands together, hard, and squashed the ice cream sandwich into his little sister's face. She didn't seem to mind, she just licked it off. "The greatest creation since nothingness was born!"

"Wonderful... so where did you get your sister?" said Lee.

"I asked politely for a little sister, I got a cat, and she turned into a nine-year-old girl," said the boy. "I'm Caleb Ethan, by the way, and, because she was a cat when I named her, this is Tabby."

The cat glared at her brother and went to mooching off the rest of his ice cream sandwich.

"Where do you get all this stuff?" Lee asked.

"...Internet," Caleb obviously looked like he couldn't answer that question.

Tom dragged a shivering Sam in a fetal position out from the mall.

"So... much... garlic," she said, her eyes wide with fear.

"I have declared now that we may never go out to Domino's again," said Kat matter-of-factly.

"Aye, their pizza sucks," said Tom, then he looked at Sam. "Oh, and that, too."

"Let's add that to our list, Never go camping with Sam, don't go to church with Sam, never go to Domino's again," said Kat as she unlocked the car.

Tom tossed Sam into the back seat, still in a fetal position, and shut the back door, then, he got into the front and Kat got into the passenger seat with Mr Muffin on her shoulder.

As Tom revved the engine, Mr Muffin decided to change the topic, _"So, you guys, ever wonder why Taylor Lautner always seems to be playing roles where his love interest is an unattractive girl?"_

An awkward silence passed that was only broken by the revving of the engine. "Damn thing's half a century old."

"Why don't you get a new one?" asked Kat.

"I'm saving up, Lee blew all the money on the fundraiser for time-traveling vehicles. He says he wanted to ride an electric sleigh right into Washington's boat."

And so, Tom finally managed to start his piece-of-crap car, which backed up into another car, that, unfortunately, had been rigged to explode, and did so.

Tom looked out the back windshield over his shoulder, then he turned back to the road, wide-eyed.

"Don't ask, don't tell," he murmured, and the car sped out of the driveway as the clouds began to overflow with snow. Thusly, a blizzard began.

Tom rolled down the window, and grinned. "Bless this snow."

"Don't you dare..." murmured Sam.

"I guess you're right, this thing isn't built for snow," said Tom, about a half hour later on the highway, as a sad grinding noise came from the engine of the car.

"_Yeesh, did a squirrel die in there, or something?"_ said Mr Muffin. _"'Cause if it did, that engine is my new best friend."_

The car continued to wheeze down the slow-moving traffic.

"Nah, it was probably a chipmunk, it is Christmas-time after all," said Kat as she doodled in her notebook.

"A weasel?" Sam chimed in.

"_Hey, watch it, lady, my cousin's a weasel!"_ said Mr Muffin, then he turned to Kat. _"But I'm crossing my fingers for that chipmunk bit."_

Outside of the car, a plane glided overhead with a trailing banner that read, **"EAT AT FRICKIN' JAN'S, JOE'S SUCKS!"**

A man wearing a baseball cap started slamming his fist into his steering wheel. "I hate all the little people who live on this steering wheel and I want to express it to the world!"

Some other man looked back at the man with the baseball hat. "Careful, man, the center of the steering wheel is also your horn, some people may think you're about to crash into them!"

"Nah, that's ridiculous, I would never-"

The car in front of Tom's suddenly slammed into the one of the man with the baseball cap, and all three cars exploded.

"Holy shit!" screamed Kat.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Tom yelled, even louder, and higher pitched.

"Eh, I've seen worse," Sam muttered.

The man who caused the explosion walked out of the smoking ruin that was his car. He was wearing a battered-looking fedora and holding a revolver in his hand. He looked at the ruin.

"...Wow," he scrammed before the cops could come and arrest him.

Tom rolled down the window. "Freak!"

"How do you get reception underwater?" Lee asked Caleb, he was now holding a notepad and writing down all the marvels of Caleb's domicile.

"Wormholes, global warming, and atheism," said Caleb, sitting in an armchair that faced towards Lee whilst smoking a pipe. He was wearing a blazer with a tie and a pair of cargo pants.

"Is that the same for all your appliances?" Lee asked.

"Every single one of them, except the microwave, which has nothing to do with atheism."

"Ah, and how do you survive without sunlight?"

"Ever read the Underland Chronicles?" said Caleb, his arms crossed, no longer smoking his pipe.

"...Genius," Lee said, and he buried his face in his notebook, scribbling the new information down. "Does your oxygen supply ever run out? Do you ever go up top to retrieve news and information?"

"It's mailed to us via an anonymous source," said Caleb, who now had a glass of alcoholic egg nog in his hand somehow.

"How does the mail system work underwater?" Lee asked.

"I- have- NO IDEA!" said Caleb, flicking his wrist.

"Amazing," said Lee, then he emphasized dotting a lowercase I with his pencil and closed his notepad. "Well, I'm sorry to learn and run, but I must be going to bring this information to newspapers ending in "Times" and "Globe" and fact websites across the planet."

"Could my sister and I come with you? Christmas in an underwater tudor house is really lonely," Caleb said after he drained his egg nog.

"Sure, we could use two more characters," Lee said. He put on his jacket and picked up his guitar case, which he tossed out the closed window, breaking it. Our effects budget for this episode was mostly used to make the water out the window quiver for a bit, so please respect it.

"Why the hell did you do that?" shouted Caleb.

"It looked fun!" said Lee, worriedly. The water flooded in.

An outside view of the house shows water being sucked in and two windows from the upper level bursting open. a frizz of bubbles float up in the water, along with Caleb, his sister, and Lee, who had made a giant air bubble in the water using one of the oxygen tanks.

Kat, Tom, Sam, and Mr Muffin walked in through the door of their apartment.

"What a crappy way to lose a car," said Kat.

"It's a stupid way, I'll give you that," said Tom. "Some poor fool who just had a premonition of his death crashes smack right into the two cars he thought would be the death of him, and didn't die! I watched the end of Final Destination for nothing!"

"Yeah, what a piece of crap," Sam sat down and took out a bottle and a Yhatzee-shaker esque cup, she turned the bottle over, nothing, she shook the bottle vigorously, a squishy red substance slipped slowly into the cup, and she lost patience. "Dry already. Damn things are overpriced."

"_Let's fill it with water and hand it to a passing jogger!"_ said Mr Muffin, there was an awkward silence. _"He'll take it and keep on running!"_

The apartment door shot open and Lee, along with Caleb Ethan and a Tabby cat, sopping wet, walked into the kitchen.

Kat looked at Lee, then at Caleb, then at Tabby. "Been going places, have ya?"

"YEP!" Lee said, and he slapped his guitar case onto the table. "I'm gonna show our guests around, now, kay?"

"Be my guest," Kat gestured around the apartment, and Lee went to giving the new guests a tour.


	6. Obligatory Christmas Special, Part II

**-Chapter 8, Kat and Lee's Super Special Fudge Coated Minty Fresh Highly Belated Extra Long Obligatory Christmas Special, Part II-**

Days passed to the thirteenth of December, Tom had gone Christmas shopping, and Kat, Lee, Percy, Sam, Caleb, and Tabby (in cat form, sitting on Percy's lap) were warming up by the fire, enjoying Christmas specials on television. Thankfully, the apartment was big enough to get a capital C couch to watch television with six people and a cat.

"So, Tom's out getting a tree?" said Percy.

"Yup," said Kat. "Good thing he didn't take Lee, either, with the exploding and all," Kat's words echoed, but the scene didn't wave to a flashback. "Dammit, I forgot." Kat hopped off of the couch and went to get something off screen, a new scene popped out of the ceiling and bounced in front of the camera like in the opening to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

**_Lee was carrying an evergreen out of a Christmas tree shop. "Ah, that's a beauty."_**

**_Then Lee whipped a lighter and a can of nitroglycerin out of his coat pocket. He poured the nitro all over the snow, then lit it_**_ up__._

**_The tree blasted out of the snow with a lengthy smoke trail behind it, flames licked out of the underside of the evergreen and under the trunk, and it blew off like a rocket ship with sooty snow still caked in its pine needles._**

**_"That ought to get the tree to the apartment," Lee said happily, and he walked off without noticing the tree leaning and bursting into flames. Pine needles scattered everywhere, and a pa_**_ir_ _of scis_sors cut into the scene, snipping it in half and causing both halves to fall to the floor like paper.

"I said I was sorry!" Lee yelled, still holding a pair of scissors.

Tom got out of a "rental" car that also happened to have two unconscious bodies in the trunk, which he tossed out to make way for the decorations he was about to buy. He walked towards the Christmas Tree Shop (chain name, not store type), then took one quick look at the drunk teenagers he threw out.

"Nah, they'll keep sleeping," Tom continued his walking.

The shop was filled with all sorts of useless crap, half of which probably had nothing to do with Christmas, and was completely for decoration.

Two children and their rather tall father were looking at storybooks that came with little battery-powered choo-choos. The children probably only wanted the books for the toy trains, though.

Tom walked up to the father. "Excuse me, sir, but do you know where I could find the ornaments?"

"Yeah, I think they're way over there," said the father, and he pointed towards a rather festive-looking section of the store.

"Thanks," Tom walked towards the ornament section. "I can't believe I never noticed that."

"Well, now you know," the father said simply.

"How about this one?" the youngest of the children pointed to a book labeled "Mighty Mogul".

Tom continued his way towards the ornament section, during his walk, he passed by a Thompson Sub-machine gun that just so happened to be on sale. His leg stretched over to where the gun was in a cartoonish style.

"Only sixty-eight? SWEET!" Tom yanked his wallet out of his pocket and counted his money. "Hmm, if I blow all the money on this, then I wont have enough to buy the ornaments OR the tree... ah, screw it, I'll wrap it up in newspaper and give it to myself, Christmas-y enough." Tom yanked the gun off of the rack and shot off to the register. The bored-looking cashier scanned the item by the bar-code on a price tag attached to the barrel.

"All right, that's a Thompson Sub-machine gun with bullets included, the sale is fifty percent off today, that comes to a total of sixty seven dollars and ninety-two cents. Could you show me your license to fire this weapon?"

Tom flicked open his wallet and pulled out the firing license that he ordered in unaired episode thirty-six.

The cashier stared at the license for about thirty seconds, then handed it back to Tom. "It's good, you might want to have it updated, though, it expires in about a week."

"I'll make sure to look into that," Tom took the license back, paid his money, and took his gun. "Have a nice day."

"You too, man," as Tom was leaving, the cashier reached under the desk and pulled out a bag of Mary-Jane.

The camera cuts to a side view of the store, and pans across the wall to show Tom putting his gun in a box and wrapping it up.

The camera shows only the group on the C-couch, the television is blasting.

_"NOOOOOOOOOO-"_ Lee clicked the remote at the television, changing it to ABC Family.

"I don't know why we even decided to watch the Johnny Test Christmas special," said Sam. "It's just a crapulous mass of spoiled brats and unnecessarily long screams of a negative two-letter word."

"Who uses that anymore?" Percy said, staring at Sam.

"Who uses what?" asked Sam.

"That term, "crapulous mass", wasn't that used in like, the 1700s?" asked Percy.

"Well, I'm sorry for being old-timely," said Sam, turning her head towards the television and pouting.

"Hey, Percy, remember that day when we put dandruff in the terrarium?" said Lee, turning to Percy.

"And they thought it was snow? Yeah, that was great... until one of them caught one on their tongue," Percy said.

"Reminds me, I've got to think of a Christmas present that ought to entertain their primitive brains."

"...How about a Super-ball?" said Percy. "For them, it may actually bounce to ninety-seven feet!"

Lee thought for a moment.

**FANTASY MOMENT**

**The camera shows an enormous black sphere with the gargantuan word "Superball" printed on it, it is rolling slowly around a primitive-looking village. Crushing houses made of cardboard, there are men and women in loin cloths running all over the place, and some kind of big bad type of figure poking the sphere with a spear while laughing in an unfittingly maniacal way. The camera zooms out to show this civilization in a glass terrarium as Lee pokes a pair of tweezers into the tank to try and remove the troublemaker.**

**FANTASY MOMENT END**

"May have to get rid of that dickweed who pissed in my DS speakers first," Lee mumbled.

"Good idea," said Percy, who had thought almost the exact same thing, except instead of tweezers, Lee was using a tiny strip of Scotch tape to remove the perp.

The door flew open and Tom came in.

"Do you have the decorations?" Kat asked, turning.

"No, I found a gun, though!" Tom held up the poorly-wrapped box.

"Good enough, let's put it against the wall and paint it red and green," Kat held out her hand for Tom to give her the gun.

"Heck no, I've seen enough straight-to-TV movies on SyFy to know never to give a woman a projectile weapon!" said Tom.

"What?" said Kat, standing upright. "SYFY? That's your information source?"

"They hardly air movies higher than two stars!" said Lee, also standing upright.

"Well, I happen to like the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies," said Tom, holding the gun behind his back.

"The special effects sucked!" Lee yelled.

"They did NOT! You're just saying that because you saw the rating on Comcast, you know you loved it!" said Tom, inching forward, but also pulling the trigger on the gun by accident, a bullet flew into the underside of an oven on the above floor, the flaming gas leaked out and melted the rest of the ceiling, allowing the gas oven to fall and crush Tom, his gun flying out of his hand.

"OH MY GOD! TOM'S DEAD!" yelled Percy, standing up and pointing.

"No he isn't!" said Caleb. "I've seen plenty of people die, and that's NOT how people die."

"Sorry," Percy sat back down. "I'm just used to seeing Lee die that sort of way."

"What a weakling," said Caleb.

Lee had promptly obtained a car jack when the two characters were talking, and lifted the oven off of Tom's flattened body, sadly Kat was standing right behind Tom, and the oven crushed her feet.

Kat shrieked the same way a black cat would if you were to trod upon its tail, and ran behind the comically sized sofa.

"Sorry, Kat," Lee said as he picked up a telephone to call an ambulance. "Hello? Yes, this is Lee... the one without the last name, yes... no, no, nobody's been shot, my friend Tomas has been crushed by a six hundred pound gas oven... yes, again, but don't I get a holiday discount this time of year? ...Oh, really? ...I'm so sorry... wow, I don't think necks are supposed to bend like that, should we just drive him? ...Yes? Okay, bye."

Lee put down the phone, and got to peeling Tom off of the floor. "Could you give me some help here, Sam? He's your adopted brother."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Sam grabbed Tom's legs and went out the door.

The camera cuts to the apartment next to an elevator. Lee and Sam close the door and carry Tom into an open elevator and set him down with his foot sticking out.

Lee clicked the "lobby" button on the elevator and the elevator doors closed, crushing Tom's leg.

"Oww..."

"Sorry, Tom," Sam adjusted Tom so that his legs stuck towards the elevator wall.

The camera cuts to a close-up of a cat's face, watching a string go back and forth, back and forth.

The camera zooms in on that string to show the wee men seen earlier trying to distract the cat while one of them tries to tie a rope around the cat to conquer it.

One of the wee men shouted in triumph and plunged a spear into the cat's neck.

_"Eh?"_ Mittens, the cat, suddenly felt a tiny itch in her neck, and turned her head to lick it.

The wee man stared in horror as the enormous pink bumpy object came closer to him, and braced himself for the wave of-

"Thmp, thmp, thmp, thmp," Mittens licked her neck contently as a tan-yellow speck whistled off of it. _"Lee's new pets seem to be holding up fine."_

The camera cuts to a part of the room where a terrarium of the wee men (and women and children) building a monument in the favor of the television in the corner of the room.

Inside the terrarium, the tribesmen chanted what would be "_all glory to the great light box_" if they had learned to construct proper sentences.

"Every bone in his body?" said Kat on the phone.

"Yes," said Lee on the other line, "Body as in chest and stomach area, not the spine or the skull or the neck or anything, though, but he has twisted his ankle after going to get a glass of cranberry juice from the mini-fridge in his hospital room."

"Yeesh," said Kat. "So you think he might end up missing Christmas?"

"He's going to miss Independence Day, Kat," Lee said harshly.

"Ouch."

"And maybe your birthday, but the odds aren't against a Christmas-in-July celebration."

"Well, you better be ready to start donating bones, mister, because I don't want this year to get screwed up by another one of your stupid man-shenanigans."

"Yes, ma'am," Lee said in a high British-childesque voice.

Kat and Lee both slammed the phones onto the receiver, Lee missing by a foot and hurling the phone into Tom's groin.

"Eugh," Tom groaned off screen.

"Sorry, buddy," Lee gently lifted the phone from its current location to the receiver.

Time skip to night time, a gray cat with a toaster pastry stuck to his back paved his straight-ish rainbow across the sky as it sang its crappy repetitive song to unwilling listeners throughout the city.

"Frickin' pop tart kittens!" yelled a man just completely out of the blue.

But the kitten's glory was short lived minutes later, as it was struck down by a few fast-moving chunks of snow that fell from the sky. Thankfully, the poor thing landed in a trash can stuffed with moth-eaten blankets. It hopped out and shook the pop tart off of his back, then walked out onto the sidewalk where on almost-perfect timing, it was kicked onto the windshield of a parked car by Lee's blind work boot.

Lee walked home from the hospital with a rubber chicken stuck to his head, he turned around and yelled, "Is regular mugging out, now?"

"Yeah man, just get with the times."

Lee continued his walk as a group of carolers across the street sang. One of them bared a close resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman... ah forget it, nobody would get that joke.

Lee grabbed a trash can lid off of one of the cans in the alley and put it above his head to shield himself from the oncoming snow.

The lid provided little protection, and a foot of snow accumulated upon it after only twenty-three seconds. Lee discarded the lid and ran for his life.

The apartment building was just ahead, and Lee's hair had already frozen, the place where the slime man had been squashed, a snowman had been built on top of his splat mark.

Lee jumped into the snowman to protect himself with the power of irony and stupidity, and pulled a flat piece of ice out of the ground to use as a non-conventional umbrella.

He hoisted the ice over his head once more and ran into the lobby.

The lobby-goers stopped their chitter-chatter and turned to Lee, who was still covered in snow.

"It's snowing," Lee said, simply shrugging.

"Oh, nice," said one of the people, and they continued to chat.

**-Time Skip all the way to the first day of winter-**

The camera shows the exterior of the hospital, nighttime, we zoom in on one of the windows, which looks upon the room where Tom is resting.

Tom turned to look out the window, and was shocked to see a cameraman staring him in the face. "Go away, go away, I'm sick!"

The camera sped off and Tom continued reading the history of modern LEGO sets.

"Neat," said Tom, staring at a picture of the Diagon Alley set.

**"TOMAS BRIL,"** a voice boomed, Tom flinched, dropping his book.

"Eh?" said Tom, squinting at the sudden appearance of blue light through his spectacles.

**"S'up,"** said the apparition.

"Go away, I don't want any more Christmas Carol homages," said Tom, shooing away the being.

**"AUGH, FINE!"** shouted the ghost, he picked up his chain casually and tossed it out the window, lurching him out into the snow.

"Dork," said Tom, picking up his book.

* * *

><p>"All right, I've got him a new skull, now, finally," Lee held up a fuzzy white-yellow skull, his head had a deflated look about it, and he was using one of his hands to move about the floor, as his legs had the same deflated look about them. "How long until I can throw myself off the building to regenerate my bones?"<p>

"Just about time," said Kat, taking Lee's skull.

"Thanks," Lee gargled, and he slowly inched towards the closed window with repeated strained "eh" sounds. After about fifteen seconds, he pulled himself back and bounced out the window, shattering it, and a poorly-acted scream because, for this scene, the actor for Lee had to wake up at 1:00 in the morning without his morning espresso. However we did pay him double.

There was a crack, a sigh of relief, and the sound of scuttling feet. Shortly after, Lee had been sitting next to Kat with an idiotic grin on his face.

"Happy holidays?"

Kat checked the clock, it read 7:55. "All right, get your back pack, we're gonna be late."

"I don't wanna go!" Lee pouted.

For about four seconds, the lights dimmed and red light poured out of Kat's eyes. "NOW."

"Kay!" Lee squeaked, and two seconds later he was before her with his back pack on.

We skip the boring scene where they fall down the elevator shaft because the elevator had been glued to the wall, and barely escaped the lobby when Joker laughing gas filled the room. Aren't ya glad we skipped THAT fiasco?

Kat and Lee were covered in soot, dust, and blood as they exited the building, a tree (IN NEW YORK CITY? I KNOW, RIGHT?) which was also dead (oh, that explains it) stood before them. A human-shaped shadow fell off of it. The shadow revealed herself as Sam.

"What's that copper smell?" she asked.

"Blood," said Lee, then his rather perverted side perked up. "You can lick it off if you want."

"Nah, I have a bendy straw," Sam poked a pink bendy straw into a rather large wound of Lee's, and sucked about a pint of blood out of his circulatory system.

The bus came three minutes later, it was white with frost, and someone was hanging out the window and throwing up Nutella. When the bus stopped, the boy stopped vomiting, turned back to his comrades, and said, "I TOLD you it would still taste delicious!"

"Pound it, Hector!" Lee pumped his fist over to the red-haired boy.

The camera cuts to a very expensive-looking green-screen of a dark night sky and two powerful-looking fists that look nothing like Hector's or Lee's knuckle-bumping with a loud exploding sound effect and a long electric guitar note. A loud omnipotent voice yelled **"FRIENDSHIP"** while said word flashed across the screen in bright yellow text.

The camera cuts to an inside view of the bus with Kat and Lee sitting next to each other while Sam hangs from the emergency door latch.

The bus stopped and three muscular-looking thugs ran into the bus. A caption on the screen said **X- Glide Kick**. Sam flew down from the latch and kicked one of the thugs in the mouth.

"IT'S THE BAT!" yelled one of the thugs.

"Don't let her hit you, you idiot!"

Sam knocked the wind out of each and every one of them, and when this was done, a large group of bats flew out of one of their heads and filled a circular chart with a circular white line. Another caption next to the chart read "**UPGRADE AVAILABLE**".

Lee stared up at the caption, then climbed onto the seat and ripped it off the screen. "I hope at least one of you out there got that blatant reference."

"Nope," said Kat.

"Dammit. Zachary, you play a lot of video games, don't you get it?"

"Sorry, man, can't remember a single game since I started playin' Skyrim," said a blond boy with bloodshot eyes.

Lee sighed.

At the school, the camera overlooks an opened locker. A rocket was sent down the hallway, and sliced the door clean off. A shrill voice off screen yelled, "CLOSE YOUR GODDAMN LOCKERS!"

A near-silent deep voice off screen called, "Sorry!"

Kat, Lee, and Sam walked into the math classroom while the construction workers yelled and worked on the expansions to the school.

Almost immediately, a wrecking ball blasted its way through the wall.

"WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE HERE?" yelled one of the workers.

"I DON'T KNOW, COFFEE BREAK!" yelled another.

"Bye," said Lee, and he left the school through the hole in the wall.

"Yeah, I'm out, too," Kat followed Lee.

Sam stared out the hole, and sighed. "Rabblerousers."

The math teacher walked into the room with a smoking shotgun. "Well, in case you haven't heard, the school has become a war ground for flamboyant Call of Duty players to roam about, so vacation's come early, and you're free to roam the halls, but you're forty-nine fiftieths screwed, could anyone convert that to a decimal?"

"zero point ninety-eight" the class lazily chorused.

"Good, NOW GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE BEFORE I PUMP Y'ALL FULL O' LEAD!" she shrieked as she shot a bullet into the ceiling.

The class screamed and poured out through the hole in the wall.

"Ha, they're not lead," the teacher tossed the shotgun into a corner and went to her desk to sit down. "I'm smarter." she noticed Sam was still drawing a picture on her desk with an X-Acto knife. "Ahem."

Sam looked up from her drawing, the knife clattering on the linoleum. "Oh, were we dismissed already?" she grabbed her bag from the chair and turned. "Bye! Merry Christmas!"

Tom had recently received a package in the mail containing several bones. He sighed at Lee's stupidity and placed the box in the outgoing shelf in the end table next to his bed.

**"EB-EN-EE-ZER SCROOOOOGE!"** shouted some omnipotent sounding voice across the hall.

Tom took off his headphones and shouted, "WRONG ADDRESS!"

**"Sorry!"** said the deep voice.

"Idiots," Tom murmured, putting his headphones back on.

Caleb sat in the corner of the apartment, Lee's bucket hat on his head, and snoring pleasantly with an issue of Lilliputian Playboy over his chest.

"Hey, Caleb, what 'cha reading?" Lee walked over to Caleb and picked up his magazine with no reaction from Caleb whatsoever. "...This would actually be the perfect gift for half of the population of my terrarium."

The terrarium Lee mentioned is still hard at work on the statue of the television. Tabby walks in and turns on the TV to _Cheese 2: The Revenge._

The terrarium members gasp.

"[The cat-child! She commands the mighty light box! drop everything and start over, except make it a statue of her and make her look all badass and stuff!]" yelled one of the wee men.

"[You better be paying us overtime for this!]" yelled another.

"[Yeah, I have a family, you know!]"

"[Keep talking like that and you're outta here! And I mean, outta here, like deported, you know?]"

"[You don't decide that, the great stupid creator does!]"

"[No, the sarcastic anime fan does!]"

An atheist yells, "[Nobody does!]"

"[Shut up!]" both of the wee men yell.

Tabby walked over to the glass diorama. "Nice pets, probably barely feeds them."

Back to the inside of the terrarium, a giant orange square with a hole in it falls from the sky. When it lands, it prints itself into the ground. It is revealed to be the world's largest Cheez-It.

The towns gather around the mysterious entity.

One of the people proclaim, "[Eh, it's food, isn't it?]"

Tabby watches as the tiny people attempt to break pieces off of the Cheez-It with spears, and fail in doing so.

"[This new food sucks!]"

"[Yeah, I'm just gonna go eat carrots,]" the two men leave to go get some produce.

"My god, I've created vegetarians!" said Tabby in triumph.

The camera zooms even farther out to God looking out at the apartment from a cloud, and muttering, "Took 'em long enough."

In a great blizzard, a tribesman moves slowly through the snow with nothing but loincloths to warm him, there is no food, and-

the camera zooms out to show this epic scene is nothing more than an open window over a slightly breezing snow shower and the tribesman being a speck in the snow.

"What kind of idiot leaves a window open in the middle of winter?" Kat thought out loud as she walked over and shut the window.

"A household with two immortals and possibly the healthiest anime fan-girl on earth," said Lee.

"Touche," said Kat.

"Gladly," Lee thought sarcastically.

"I heard that," Kat said.

"Shit," Lee thought again.

"So what are we going to do with the tree situation, now? I don't exactly think the gun has a safety trigger so we probably can't decorate it," said Lee.

"Put it back in the box for Tom, we're going out and spending all the life savings you got from working in the underworld on the best damn tree we can find," said Kat.

**=Family Guyesque flashback=**

**"Hi, Lee Jefferson here with a new product, you know how when you get a giant three-headed dog and you have to clean up after it with plain old leaky plastic bags?" Lee yelled.**

**"I love my Cerberus, but cleaning up after the thing is absolute horror!" said Hades from behind his hood.**

**"Forget that, new from Hell's Finest products, Hell's Finest Dog Dropping Sack!" Lee said, holding up a giant flaming sack with devil horns. "With this new product, cleaning up after your gargantuan pooch will feel as simple as washing your hands, bathed in the river Styx and smothered in the stomach of a dragon, this baby is indestructible!" Lee tosses the sack into a river of flames, and the sack slowly dissolves the river to a lava puddle. "Not to mention super-absorbent!"**

**"Average large dog dropping bags can't be reused, but with Hell's Finest Dog Dropping Sack, the droppings are dissolved into atoms! And if you order now, we'll give you a free bonus sack! The whole shebang is just $9.99!"**

**The voice over came up with the little window reshowing the commercial and all the product information and stuff.**

**"To order Hell's Finest Dog Dropping sack and the special bonus sack for just $9.99, call one eight hundred, six six six, four three five five. That's one eight hundred, six six six, four three five five, call now."**

When every last cent of money was drained from the apartment's couch cushions and bed mattresses, and Lee's life savings were moved from the secret basement made entirely out of bookshelves and flattened out tin cans that could only be found in the very center of a 600-year-old junkyard if you screamed a constantly changing password, Kat, Caleb, and Lee took a cab to an ax store, because if they got another pre-cut tree, someone would yell at them for being lazy bums and exclaim on how there was definitely something wrong with their generation and then they would yell for their pudding which wasn't made of real chocolate but mud that was sprinkled with sugar, however the old woman's taste buds were dead, and only liked pudding for the gull-darn texture.

When they had paid the discount price for a fine steel ax with a razor sharp blade that was only slightly used, (hence the wee splash of dried blood on the blade) they left for a dense forest that no pancake-loving lumberjack had dared enter due to the crude "DANGER, AVALANCHE ZONE" sign that was written by a bunch of jokers three hundred years ago, the group knew this because Lee happened to be one of the jokers who made it, and repainted the sign so the words would really pop.

"The funny thing is, we didn't have any money for paint, so we had to use a bucket of goose blood to write with because none of us were the required age to get a job," Lee said as he traced over the letters with a large paint brush.

"You were a hundred!" said Caleb.

"Do I look twenty, let alone a hundred?" Lee said, looking back at Caleb.

"...No," muttered Caleb.

Kat pulled out the ax and handed it to Caleb.

Caleb rejected the ax and handed it to Lee.

Lee rejected the ax and threw it into the forest.

There was a squelch, a squeal, and a thud, and then someone threw the ax out of the forest, beheading Lee.

Lee's headless body felt where its head used to be, and felt the ground for his head, which had its eyes closed and its tongue stinging out of its open mouth like a comical death position you would see in a cartoon when a character were to feign death.

He eventually managed to get his head back on his shoulders, and scoffed.

"Rude forest dweller, I ought to teach you a lesson!" Lee reached for the ax, but his hand was interrupted when a pig with a giant scar on its belly lunged at it.

"Gah! Pork is eating me! We must be in Russia!" Lee swings the pig at the camera, getting mud all over the lens and knocking it out of the camera man's hand.

"Dammit, Lee, look what you did," said a man with a baseball cap as he picked up the camera.

"Sorry, Stephen," Lee handed the camera man a paper towel covered in Windex from off-screen. "Is that better?"

Stephen got behind the camera and looked through the lens. "Yeah, thanks."

"You're welcome, now, where were we?" Lee picked up his ax and ran behind the camera, several loud squelching noises could be heard. "Pig's dead now, let's get our tree."

When they had chopped down a tree too small to leave outside but too big to fit into an apartment living room, they strapped it to the car and left the forest. A tree nymph came out with an old tin can in her hand.

"That's my sister!" she tossed the can at the car but missed, and wound up getting mowed down by the Men in Black.

"Crap, I missed," said Tommy Lee Jones' character off screen.

**=Chapter End=**

TestingCheatsEnabled True


	7. Obligatory Christmas Special, Part III

-KAT AND LEE'S SUPER SPECIAL FUDGE COATED EXTREMELY BELATED MINTY FRESH EXTRA LONG OBLIGATORY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, PART III-

The car flew straight into the apartment due to a small mishap involving a screwdriver and a blowtorch, and glass shattered all over the recently-cleaned floor.

Percy stood only inches away from the blast radius of the glass.

"I take it you found us a tree?" said Percy.

"It's actually the now-dead sister of a wood nymph, but a tree nonetheless," Lee said, helping his two bloodstained friends out of the car while the glass lodged in his skin slowly made its way out.

"Huh, let's hope Grover won't have a problem with that," said Percy.

"What did you say about me?" said Grover, two shards of glass stuck in his ear.

"We were thinking we should get those shards removed from your ears," said Kat.

"Good idea! They itch," Grover said.

-THE OMINOUSLY UN-NAMED HOSPITAL-

"Well, Tomas, it appears we were able to successfully remove the bone marrow from this "Isaac Diot" guy's generously donated bones, and they matched perfectly into your bones and regenerated faster than rabbits could multiply if put in a bunny-based whore-house," said the doctor with his ever-so-present clipboard. "In other words, everything that just happened means you're free to go, Merry Christmas!"

"Wait, what day is this?" said Tom.

"December twenty-fourth, two thousand and eleven, why?" said the doctor.

"Then I haven't missed it!" Tom said with glee, and ran out into the snow.

"I freaking hate Charles Dickens," muttered the doctor, and the wrecking ball from part II swiped by and crushed him.

"HOW DID THAT GET OVER HERE?" yelled one of the construction workers off-screen.

"I THINK IT WAS SOME KIND O' PLOT DEVICE USED BY LAZY HUMOR AUTHORS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE LAUGH," yelled another.

"OH, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!" the first guy yelled back.

-TERRARIUM-

The statue of Tabby was complete, except it looked more like an Egyptian cat goddess than a nine-year-old girl.

"[This is TOTALLY relevant!]" yelled one of the wee men from the Egyptian-type portion of the terrarium.

"[I still think she could've used more of a robe than a skimpy leopard skin outfit,]" said another from the Greek-type portion.

"[Oh please don't complain, I don't want to start over from scratch again.]" pleaded one of the wee men from the tribal type of portion of the terrarium.

"[Yeah, man, religion needs sex appeal, why else would the human bible repeatedly state how Eve was naked or how Mary was a virgin?]" said one of the Egyptian-type occupants.

"[Good point,]" said the Greek guy.

"[Should we wake up the great stupid creator?]" said the tribal guy, pointing a spear at Lee, who passed out while he was testing a medicinal species of near-microscopic angry old ladies who literally beat up viruses and bacteria. He had finished making the species and placed it in a syringe for testing, but his hand still held the syringe, and it was slowly sliding off the desk.

"[Probably, hit the giant breathing machine on his face with your crossbow, dumbass,]" said the Egyptian guy.

"[AW, YOU GUYS NEVER RESPECT ME!]" the tribesman shot his crossbow at Lee's nose from his vantage point.

-LEE'S ROOM-

Lee's eyes popped open after he had a dream involving a needle hitting him on the nose so he could save a species he created. Of course, this was exactly what it was, and Lee placed the small syringe filled with angry old ladies in its proper slot.

If the volume was turned up by 1000%, you would have faintly heard, "You almost dropped us, you stupid little whipper-snapper, I think it's something wrong with this generation, I'll tell ya, too many gull-darn shrink rays and mind control devices and holographic projectors and phones with internet access-"

Back to the regular volume, Lee mutters, "Oh look, the Brevise made Tabby a Christmas present."

(Yes, that's what they're calling them, the Brevise)

Now, the statue wasn't exactly the largest thing in the room, but it would certainly make a great gift, it was about the size of an action figure, except more detailed and realistic because this was made on a semi-millimetric level, about 1/500 of a metric level and 1/8 of an inches level. Are you happy now? You made me do math on vacation. There also weren't any little hinges so the statue could move its little arms. We'll just call it a statuette... of liberty.

...Yeah.

-Living room-

When the tree had been cut diagnolly to the point where it would actually fit into the living room, Kat simply got a ladder and dumped the whole bucket of Christmas ornaments onto the tree.

"There, now the sides are even," said Kat irritably. "Now let's get the gift-placing over with and watch some frickin' cartoons."

The door flew open, and Tom jumped into the room. "Good evening, everyone, Merry Christmas!"

"God, I hope he isn't a screwball like everyone else, Merry Christmas, Tom," said Kat.

"And a happy new year!"

Kat slapped herself on the face.

-TERRARIUM-

"Today is the day the humans place gifts under the great nice-smelling tree of painful needles to give the next day, what shall we give to the great magic light box operating being of kittens?" said the leader of the terrarium, evidently they've learned to speak English.

"How about a garment?" said one of the occupants below the balcony.

"EXCELLENT IDEA! We shall get to work on a very very very very very big hat for the goddess of kittens and entertainment!"

"Lame," muttered one of the people in the crowd.

"All right, fine, fine, we have a twelve hour limit, what ideas do we have?" said the leader irritably.

"How about we just move the statuette of liberty?" said a guy in the middle of the crowd, "I mean, it's not like we need it."

"And wait until she visits to see her? NAH!" said one of the people from the Greek portion of the Brevise colony. "I vote we steal the big stupid creator's shrinking... thing, and present the goddess of entertainment and kittens to our-"

"THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID THAT!" shouted the leader, "We're giving her the statue, all right? Jeez, are you a microphile? You're disgusting! STONE HIM!"

When sixty stones had hit the sick man smack in the noggin, the colony jacked a shrunken crane Lee had put in the terrarium so they would evolve faster and lifted the statuette of liberty out of the terrarium and onto a designated pad on Lee's dresser, of course there was also a note with letters that were twice the size of the Brevise reading "GIVE TO TABBY, FROM THE BREVISE"

Lee, of course, was actually standing in front of the terrarium the whole time, and had watched the whole debate while eating a small bag of cheese puffs. He put the statuette in a box and left to bring it to the Christmas tree.

"Let us hope we may make peace with the goddess of kittens and entertainment and she may reward us with some ACTUAL CLOTHES," said one of the Egyptian occupants. "These frickin' Egyptian robes are freezing, and my tic-tac hangs out sometimes!"

"Maybe you shouldn't always buy your clothes a size smaller, it doesn't make you look any thinner," said one of the Greek guys.

-LIVING ROOM-

And so, as the pandemonial Christmas season comes to an end, Kat, Tom, Sam, Mittens, Dennis, Mr Muffin, Percy, Annabeth via Iris message, Grover with his ears recently bandaged, Caleb, Tabby, and Hector, who got lost on his way home, sat around a fire that burned through a portal to someone elses chimney, and watched mediocre cartoon Christmas specials while Lee brought out the terrarium and the syringe so the diminutive beings of his creation may join them in the end of this godawful special.

The volume is magnified again to hear the microscopic old ladies angrily shouting for their Christmas pudding to come faster.

The syringe was in the terrarium, of course, so one of the people from the Greek section of the terrarium walked up to the syringe with a spear and repeatedly bludgeoned the glass. "I don't care if I'm out of eight hundred wills for this, JUST SHUT UP!"

"Oh, you wanna go ahead and evict me, do ya, sonny? Let me outta this thing! I'll give 'im the old one two, I'll bite his hands off!"

Lee came out with what looked like a crumb from a chocolate mini-muffin in two tweezers with a candle about the size of a magnetic filing burning on top of it.

Lee carefully placed the crumb in the terrarium next to the syringe, and a walkway about as thin as the lead from a mechanical pencil slowly protruded from the syringe in a stereotypical "alien spaceship" form. The walkway stopped at the crumb that was apparently the Christmas pudding for the human antiviruses.

We got a relatively small flea to work this camera angle, showing the old women slowly moving down the walkway as their wheelchairs and walkers and canes transport them accross a relatively large distance.

We got an ant to do this camera angle as one of the Brevise checks his sundial as he waits for the antiviruses to reach their "pudding". Finally, he's sick of waiting, walks up to the walkway undetected, which only goes a little higher than his stomach, and flicks it, causing all of the antiviruses to lose their balance and roll down to their target- more painfully, yes, but faster-, reaching it, and shaking their fists at the man who tripped them, because the man hadn't gotten around to developing the terrarium's first obscene gestures.

"Here's your pudding," said Lee's voice from above, and he placed the chocolate muffin that the crumb came from into the terrarium.

"AWWW YEAH!" said the Greek guy.

And so, that ends the special, because we won't show Christmas day like every other special, because one, that's too corny for us, and two, the next day was very, very, very, very, very disturbing. Too disturbing for even the most war-hardened soldier. So enjoy what we gave you and go to bed, oh yes, and a happy new year. GOODBYE. 


	8. We Find the Main Antagonist

**-The Adventures of Kat and Lee-**

_**To eliminate any confusion, we shall be labeling the chapter numbers including the intro and excluding the three missing episodes. Any problems must be presented in writing and signed by a higher or equal authority to the individual who caused the problem, thank you.**_

**-Chapter 8, We Find the Main Antagonist (_OR_) Lee Takes Up Farming-**

As the sun rose over the somewhat beautiful island of Manhattan, an angry Red Sox fan sent a ball flying right over the beautiful sun and knocked six teeth out of a Yankees fan's mouth.

Don't just scroll down to the review button, please, this is a humor fan fiction, enjoy it.

Percy woke up with a splitting headache and an old syringe in his arm. "Ugh, I thought that stuff was supposed to HELP migraines, what's it been doing for the past twelve hours?

On Percy's brain, the old ladies used as anti-viruses repeatedly beat at the grey matter they stood on.

Back on the surface world, Lee approached Percy with a notepad.

"And how is the medicine working for you today?" said Lee.

"Horribly, I think I need a different prescription," Percy muttered.

"Agreed," Lee scribbled something on the clipboard, "We'll switch from retired grave diggers to vengeful widows."

"What?" said Percy.

"We're reducing the Ibuprofen quantity," said Lee.

"Kay, wait, do you even have a medical license?"

"He's coming to his senses," Lee said worriedly, and grabbed a dart gun and fired one of them into Percy's arm.

**-TERRARIUM-**

As the women and children slept peacefully, the early rising Brevise were just discovering gunpowder.

"It's like a whole new wonderland of possibilities!" said a particular Brevis that we don't know the name of.

"Let's blow a hole in the glass and escape!"

"NAH!" said one of them, "Let's blow up the cat!"

Mittens heard this of course, and tossed a lit match into the terrarium, blowing up the remaining supply of gunpowder and pinning all of the Brevise involved to the glass.

The only one who didn't fly into the wall on explosion let out a disappointed whine.

_"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!"_ said Mittens, hopping up and putting her paws on the glass.

"Sorry," said the Brevis.

Kat, while eating cheese and not saving any of it for the camera man, had propped a sniper rifle up against the window and started picking off the idiots of the universe, she was a daughter of the goddess of knowledge, after all.

Eventually, her scope came across a seemingly insane blond woman in a white robe milling about the town with a rocket launcher and blowing up buildings.

"She took my job, that little bitch!" Kat aimed the rifle at the woman's head... and missed, so she aimed again, and missed. "Okay, screw this, I'll just make it the plot of the chapter."

Lee ran over to Kat dragging a laser that was at least three times his size on a wagon and holding a clipboard.

"Hey, Kat, if a patient begins to sing "Star-Spangled Banner" with the voice of Beyonce, would you call that a normal side-effect to medicine?" Lee asked.

"If they haven't lost any organs, then it's normal," said Kat.

"Thanks, and by the way, can you test my transformation device?"

"Of _course_," said Kat, and she swiveled the laser to point it at Lee and fired it, Lee disappeared, and was replaced with a ferret. "It works."

Lee transformed back. "Blast, the effects are only temporary."

"Shut up and bring me a mini-gun," said Kat.

Lee reached into his pocket and pulled out a revolver that was two inches long. "You plan on shrinking down and robbing a mini bank?"

Kat slapped Lee. "No jokes, Lee, I meant a chain gun!"

Lee took a long tube with a trigger off of a desk and launched a chain out of it. "It works just fine."

Kat punched him this time. "I want a gun, got it? A gun, that has a spinning barrel, and fires dozens of bullets every second so as to provide the user with the ability to clear a large room in such a way that involves plenty of blood and death, are those enough words for you, you science-spewing-shit-sucker?"

"Yep, that'll do it," said Lee, and he handed Kat a mini gun similar in shape and style to that that the Heavy Weapons Guy uses in Team Fortress 2.

"_THANK_ you!" Kat said angrily, and she ran off to get into the elevator.

"Wait!" said Lee.

"_What_?" Kat said irritably.

"Can you take the handheld transformation beam with you? The effects might be fatal, so it's best to test it on whoever you really want dead."

Lee handed Kat what was basically a comical "L" shaped gun.

"It looks like a stick figure," said Kat.

"Hey, if it's going to change humanity forever, it doesn't have to look that fancy!" Lee yelled.

"...Touche."

"I'm going to go kill everyone, bye!" Lee sprinted out of the room with a **frickin' laser** attached to his head.

Kat stared deep into the window, then she started walking, then running, then sprinting, then she leaped out the window and prepared to kick some sap in the back when she fell through their window. Glass fell into the street below, and she went through the second window, and kicked a man over. Realizing no one was there to arrest her, she back-flipped out the window she came in and landed on an old rusty outdoor table.

She then ran to hunt down the insane woman who was terrorizing the city, tossing people aside like obstacles as she ran like a badass.

Lee, who was in a taxi, hadn't seen any of this, and was simply going to Hector's house. Way to invert personalities, eh?

The taxi stopped at an orange dot-on-a-piece-of-white-paper sort of house that stuck out like a sore thumb in the city landscape.

"Is this it?" said the driver.

"Yes," said Lee.

"That'll be eight bucks."

Lee tossed a wad of ones into the man's face and ran outside.

Lee rang the doorbell the moment Hector came out of the house with a metal pole and slammed it into his face.

"Oh, it's you, come in, sorry about the pole," Hector invited Lee inside.

"It's fine, it's fine," Lee handed Hector the cheese he swiped from Kat off screen. "This is for the sentry gun, it's an emergency signature in case worse comes to worse. There is saliva on it, it belongs to Kat."

"Uh huh," said Hector. He tossed the cheese into a closet nearby. "Nice, so what's your business?"

"Tom called, he wants us to blow up a hole in the ground."

"You mean what's IN the hole."

"The dirt surrounding the hole will most likely also explode and fly everywhere, so no, not just what's in the hole."

Hector had a "challenge accepted" expression.

"Just go get your RPG and follow me."

"Mm kay," said Hector, he took a Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher off of his back and followed Lee to the unknown area in which the subplot takes place.

Meanwhile, in the interior of an unknown building with a bunch of shady people eating popcorn and burning their precious goose, several bullet holes made their ways through the metal wall and eventually, so did a grenade.

"I just FIXED that wall!" yelled one of the shady figures who happened not to enjoy popcorn and was eating a ham sandwich, he tossed his ham sandwich on the ground and pulled out a glowing bronze sword twice the size of the wall it was avenging.

A bronze bullet made its way into the shady figures stomach, and he evaporated into dust.

"That was anti-climactic," said Percy, who was the one who threw the random grenade.

Eventually they had shot everyone down with one blow each, and there was a pile of shiny gold dust that the custodian would have to sweep up later.

A little loadout screen popped up. **"Congratulations, you have found: Riptide."**

The cursor scrolled over to **"RETURN TO GAME"** and clicked it, then there was an off-screen cuss, and the sound of a key on a keyboard being pressed, opening an inventory including a rocket launcher with a caption saying **"equipped"**, an old black ballpoint pen, and a gold pocket watch that also had the **"equipped"** caption.

The cursor went over to **"back"**, there was a somewhat satisfying clicking noise and a picture of Percy holding a rocket launcher appeared next to three brown squares, the cursor clicked on the top one and clicked the ballpoint pen in the next screen. Then someone pressed "N" and we resume the story.

And at that point Percy just realized he was already almost out of life, so he went over to a nearby resupply locker and reloaded. Then he picked up the pocket watch from earlier and opened it up. Kat, of course, had cleared away the enemies while he wasn't looking.

"Aww! Now I'll never get the **"Man From P.U.N.C.T.U.R.E"** achievement!" said Percy.

"Stop with the video game references and follow me," said Kat.

Percy muttered, "Level one cleared," as they walked into the next room.

Whilst Percy and Kat were hunting down Eris hundreds of miles away, Lee, Tom, and Hector were driving to the ammunition store while the car next to them wouldn't stop blasting One Direction.

Finally, Tom decided to pull a Schwarzenegger, and picked up a pencil, then he rolled down the window and turned his head to the girls who wouldn't turn down the volume.

"If you don't stop blasting that, I'm going to-"

The car next to them exploded, though, and skidded across the road with the broads running out of the car in flames.

"...Good enough," said Tom, looking out the back windshield.

Finally, they came to an old gun shop with an ad reading that they had rocket launchers, sniper rifles, shotguns, rapid fire weapons, pistols, BB guns, foam dart guns, squirt guns, and bubble guns. They also sold fishing supplies.

Tom went inside the shop, and was greeted with the fact that the place was going out of business, so it was the white elephant period in which they wait two weeks for people to buy everything, and then they give it away for free.

So Tom lugged a giant mesh bag of shotguns, rifles, pistols, and rapid fire weapons into the trunk while the stores owner got out his own RPG-7 and blew down the stores walls.

And so the car continued down the dirt road until they reached a hole in the ground. Tom got out of the car and inspected it with a shotgun, he fired into the hole and heard an animal yelp.

"Bingo!" shouted Tom, and he reached for Hector's rocket launcher.

Hector obliged and handed Tom the Rocket Propelled Grenade.

Tom aimed the RPG into the hole and clicked the trigger. He clicked it again, then he clicked it rapidly and said, "This is bull shit-"

Lee pushed Tom out of the way before the rocket launcher itself exploded and splattered Lee's organs all over the road.

"Good god!" shouted Tom.

Lee's organs came back together and re-formed the freak of nature he was earlier.

"I think we'll need more guns," said Lee.

While Tom and his group of exterminators worked to remove a family of genetically enhanced foxes from their burrow, Kat and Percy were beating the snot out of everyone they saw while they looked for the elevator.

Kat had simply been beheading demons with a celestial bronze baseball bat while Percy was being more thorough, slicing regular demons back to Tartarus but making sure he interrogated demons with a green glow on the location of Eris BEFORE he sent them back to the underworld.

"If you're going to threaten them, ask where the ELEVATOR is, Percy," said Kat.

"What if one of them is lying and points us to a snake pit?"

"Then why are you asking them where Eris is if they could be lying?"

"Notice I'm asking more than once?"

At that point, one of the hooded figures charged for Percy, who grabbed him by the hair and told him to tell him everything about the Riddler. At which point the guy just muttered "What?" and Percy cracked his skull, knocking him out.

A caption appeared onscreen again, reading "UPGRADE AVAILABLE".

Kat shouted, "No!" and pulled the caption down, stomping on it with every bit of strength in her power that wasn't reserved for fighting demons.

"Aww," said Percy, frowning.

_The Entertainer_ played while a montage of different ways Tom tried to get rid of the foxes played over the screen.

First, he tried a stick of dynamite, it exploded all over his face and covered him in soot, but a fox popped up and tossed a grenade at him.

Then Tom tossed a tear gas bomb into the hole and quickly covered the hole with a plug. The tear gas created extra holes and sent Tom away coughing.

Tom put Lee on top of the hole and slammed him into the ground with a sledgehammer. He poured gasoline into his hair and covered him with gunpowder. He lit a match, and Lee rocketed down into the hole, landing on top of a fox.

Another fox walked up to Lee with a bag of old rockets in its mouth. It tossed the bag onto Lee's back, and then tossed a match in the direction of the bag.

Lee rocketed back up the hole and shot out, landing on top of Tom.

Tom tossed Lee off of himself and screamed inaudibly. A caption with a black background was shown, reading, "**%$*&#* !#$%& foxes!**"

Hector sat in a corner, staring into the barrel of a shotgun, his mouth moved inaudibly too.

"**Oh, there's a bullet in there,**" read the next white caption.

Eris sat in her lair while playing _Prototype_ on the computer.

"Yeah, yeah, pwned, pwned you, yeah," she said.

A mysterious and unwelcome foot with a work boot covering itself made its way through the door to Eris' room. She quickly shut her laptop and yelled, "Who is it?"

The foot went back through the hole, and the foots owner's hand went through the hole and unlocked the door, opening it.

Percy barged through with his sword in his hands and said triumphantly, "I'm Percy Jackson and you're the main antagonist, prepare to explode into gold powder!"

Percy charged, his weapon glowing red, Eris simply dodged the weapon and an off-screen audience "aww"'d when Percy hit the wall. While Percy attempted to yank the sword out of the wall, Kat tossed her baseball bat at Eris and missed.

Eris picked up a remote and clicked it. three bombs above Kat exploded and caused debris to crush her with just her head sticking out. "Dammit!"

The baseball bat had also pushed Percy's sword in all the way up to the hilt when it hit it, so everyone was pretty much screwed.

_The Entertainer_ had stopped playing, of course, but Tom, Hector, and Lee were using explosives to mine their way through the ground.

"I've done this hundreds of times on the _Powder Game_!" Lee said, he poured gunpowder into the hole to the point where it reached the top, then he lit a match and blew the gunpowder up, scattering chunks of dirt everywhere.

"It's almost big enough for Hector to fit through, more gunpowder!" said Tom.

"We're out," said Hector as he picked up an empty tin bucket.

"Then we'll stuff the hole with rockets!" said Tom, and he picked up a large bag of missiles and stuffed it into the hole, he repeated the action until he was out of missiles, he got out a can of oil and filled the hole until it was up to the brim.

"I would get back before lighting that," said Lee, "if I wasn't immortal, at least."

Tom got back two inches, and tossed a match into the oil.

He might as well have blown up the earth.

At Eris' lair, Eris had somehow acquired a sledgehammer, and prepared to splatter Percy's head all over the wall, but the wall crumbled and Percy managed to pull his sword out.

The camera only shows the hilt of the sword and a sloshing noise his heard.

Percy turned his head and saw the sword had almost made its way right through Eris' ribcage, instead slicing the heavier part of the sledgehammer off of its hilt and causing it to land on Eris' foot. Percy pulled the sword away before she could grab it, and tossed it into the ceiling, hitting a land mine and asploding it.

Rubble fell from the ceiling, and hit Eris in the head a few times, but "rubble" has that weak ring to it for a reason, and Eris just rubbed her forehead, then lunged for Percy's neck.

A bullet made its way into the wall, but that's another story.

Meanwhile, Tom and Hector were nearly killed if not for using Lee as a human shield, Lee's charred organs littered the enormous crater that the explosion from earlier created while Tom and Hector were just about exiting the crater and looking around for a dead fox.

Lee's organs shook the soot off of themselves and kinetically formed back into a human body.

"You're _welcome_."

"Oh, right," said Tom.

"So, are they dead?" asked Hector, still staring at the crater and observing it for fox corpses.

An ominous orange and cream colored paw answered Hector's question, in its hand was a timed C-4 bomb with eight seconds to go. The bomb was thrown, and the paw quickly retracted into the hole.

Lee pulled a shovel out of hammerspace and dug a hole deep enough to hold three people, and shoved Tom and Hector into said pit, then with a cartoonish sweep of the shovel jumping into the hole and covering the hole with that one mound of dirt that always seems solid enough to cover a hole without collapsing at the same time.

Of course, when the final three seconds ended, the hole did absolutely nothing to protect its occupants, and (after the tectonic plate was pierced by the blast) they flew away like feathers in a tornado.

The bullet that made its way into the wall earlier in the chapter had come from an old sniper rifle that belonged to some camping n00b, who was beheaded by one of Eris' many different types of projectiles (this one could be a floppy disk, considering the shape and thickness of the projectile).

Kat had eventually managed to dig under the debris (blame the dirt floor) and sneak up behind Eris like some kind of movie monster. She yanked the bullet, which was actually not that crumpled, out of its hole, and threw it directly into Eris' brain.

"Ah! Pull it out! Pull it _out_!" Eris ran around screaming for nonexistent guards to get the bullet out of her head.

At that point, Lee, Tom, and Hector crashed through the window (let's say the room's half-buried or something) and Lee wound up flying-kicking Eris in the head while Hector somehow yanked Percy's sword out of the wall and sent it flying into the hand of Tom who was two feet from Eris and swinging his hand in a sideways motion.

Sadly, the sword was only one foot, eleven inches, and Tom barely managed to gouge Eris' arm.

"Blast! I thought I would keep you fools busy with that family of foxes!" Eris shouted, bending over with her hand over her end like an elder who had recently broken their back.

"Ya did!" Lee shouted, "they blew us up!"

"Well, you're too late, anyway! There's a ladder through my window so MYEH!"

Eris jumped onto said ladder and left the room.

"She got away!" Lee said.

"No shit, Sherlock," said Kat.

"We can still stop her in the 1.8 pages of the script the screenwriter still has to write!" Hector shouted, and used some kind of a grasshopper gene in his family to hop out the window and land on his head. A faint voice yelled, "she's getting away!"

Kat tossed Lee out the window, him hitting a corner and knocking more glass of of the window with his already bleeding face, then she used a random grappling hook that was probably as long as the Missouri River that attached itself to a near-ish-by building.

Tom and Percy were the only ones left.

"Could I have my sword back?" asked Percy.

"Here ya go," said Tom, he handed Percy the glowing bronze sword from earlier.

"Thanks, now I guess we should just leave now, huh?"

"Yup."

And so, Percy and Tom ignored the plot and went home to watch YouTube Poops.

The Benny Hill Theme played as a platformesque montage went across the screen with Eris jumping into a burning shack and Kat tossing a grenade into the shack. Eris jumping out of the shack to be greeted with a shotgun belonging to Hector, which was blocked in a split second and sent Hector back, knocking him out. Then with Lee chasing Eris backwards into a familiar L-shaped gun, which fired.

The music stopped, Lee stopped, Eris stopped, Kat did not stop because she was the gun holder, so she was flying backwards from the force of the beam. Hector was playing a game of solitaire on the ground while everyone else froze.

Eventually, Eris reduced in size, and she ran up to Lee, who was backing away slowly, as she grew fur and began to walk on all fours, her nose flattening into a pink shape, and her ears becoming pointed, when she finally managed to get to Lee, she was six inches long, walking on all fours, and trying to nip at his heels with tiny sharp teeth.

"Gentlemen," Lee announced, yanking the L-shaped gun out of Kat's hand. "I give you, the WEASELATOR!" Lee held up the gun, which made a gleaming noise and shined brightly.

"Neat," said Hector.

_"Blast you, mortals! Do you always treat gods like this? Change me back, I demand, or I shall bring chaos of epic proportions to your home!"_ the little weasel Eris hopped up and down in a cute, bouncy fashion.

"As you can see, what was once an evil goddess of discord is now an adorable longtail weasel!" Lee grabbed the weasel and held it up in a similar way to that of the Lion King, then he held it like a football in his hands and tossed it into a nearby river.

"FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" sploosh, Eris was gone for the rest of the episode.

"So, what shall we do about them gull-darn foxes?" said Lee.

"Simple," said Hector.

Time skip to Lee standing in front of the hole, with Hector and Kat about ten or twenty feet behind him.

"GRAPEFRUIT!" Hector shouted with a French accent.

Lee exploded, replacing his character with an amazing mushroom cloud and sending whatever was left of that fox burrow straight to hell. The foxes were shot out of the hole along with several cooked chickens, cooked turkeys, cooked geese, and a shitload of cider, plus a badger, beaver, otter, three rabbits, a mouse, and a raccoon. Can _anyone_ guess what this is a reference to?

So, the threats were exiled, Eris shot downstream, and Lee asploded only to fall from the the highest altitude the mushroom cloud reached and appear perfectly fine.

"Fun day, eh?" Lee said as he drove everyone back home in Tom's rusty car.

"Yep," said Kat. "Not pointless at all."

Hector read MAD magazine while he watched out the window and enjoyed the warm weather, however, the weather also happened to include a torrential thunderstorm which we never seemed to mention earlier. But it was still warm!

"...Nice weather to be inside, eh?" Hector muttered as he turned the page to a parody on The Hunger Games.

"Quite," said Kat. "Wow, this is kinda stupid, nobody brought an umbrella in all this rain?"

"Nah," said Lee. "If I catch pneumonia, I'll just die again in the boring and painful process it is."

"And if I catch pneumonia?"

Lee shrugged, "I bet you'll come back from the dead or break out of the afterlife or something."

"Yeah, that sort of thing happens pretty often 'round here," Hector closed his magazine.

The car stopped at Hector's orange-dot-on-white-paper house in the middle of the city, and dropped Hector off.

"See ya at school, Lee," said Hector, and as he walked into his house, Kat noticed there was a windowsill-mounted turret sticking out of one of the windows.

**CHAPTER COMPLETION**

**+9001 XP**

**Anyway, I think my productivity is being lowered by the fact that I write 75% of these chapters at night, and therefore I must stop myself every once in a while from giving them horrible endings (yes, it is possible to give this chapter a more horrible and quick-fixed ending) just so I can feel I completed this project and sleep peacefully. However, I remember I have readers out there, or at least one reader who reviews every once in a while, letting me know they are human and not just a figment of my twisted imagination. Anyway, I'm going to try my best to get "Kat and Lee" noticed by advertising it to my 43 subscribers on YouTube and seeing if any one of them enjoys ridiculous stories. Away from the technical side, I hope you enjoyed my story. Happy all-the-milk-in-the-supermarket-is-expired week.**


	9. Let's Screw With the Time Warp Again!

**-THE ADVEN'CHAS OF KAT AND LEE-**

**-CHAPTER 9: Let's Screw With the Time Warp Again! (OR) The Chapter That Took Four Months to Make-**

**-PART I: Lee Indirectly Unleashes Hell-**

Throwing a box out the window became a regular activity for Lee in the daytime, as it was the most efficient way to deliver the apartment building's hate notes to the office building right next door. Each box contained three thousand pages worth of original hate notes from the people of Loctat Knight apartments.

The office building manager picked a gun out of a drawer in his desk, he looked into the apartment windows and checked to see if he saw anyone who looked like they had done this, then he tossed the gun at the wall, which fired a bullet and grazed the manager's ear, breaking one unfortunate employee's computer. The manager did not flinch. He picked up a pager and paged someone by the name of "Doctor Hax".

Meanwhile, Lee was playing Half-Life: Source on his old but somehow devoid-of-lag computer, just beginning actually, Valve n00b.

As soon as the train commute stopped and the automated robot woman voice shut the flock up, a giant head appeared on screen with a beard and white hair, and yelled, _**"HAAX!"**_

"AH!" Lee screamed, and the monitor tossed itself at Lee's head, pinning him to the wall and splattering his brains on the floor. "Shit."

The computer exploded. **(Think "Update Day: A TF2 Story")**

Lee's head and his organs refilled and came back together to create the 405-year-old boy.

"How'd he know I used give item_healthkit to get through Half Life 2? I thought it was legal!" Lee picked up the remains of his computer and put them in a blender, creating a new computer.

"I'll tell ya, this damn internet protection is getting to me," said Lee, placing the not-even-cracked monitor on the desk and shoving the new computer on top of the desk next to the monitor.

"Does anyone have a napkin on them? I appear to have burned half of my face off," said Hector as he walked into the apartment with a hand over the left side of his face, which appeared to be smoking through the spaces in between his fingers.

"No, but the tissues are in the bathroom, there's also some Tylenol in the medicine cabinet in case your face stings," said Kat as she flipped through the channels.

"Thanks," said Hector.

_**"New, from the makers of BIRDS IN A CAN: BATS IN A CAN, excellent preparation for Halloween! Who says you can't prepare two months early?"**_ yelled the ever-so-disembodied voice of a commercial announcer.

Kat flicked the channel again.

_"...And we're getting reports of anthropomorphic ponies wreaking havoc among New York City, one of them appears to be flying and they're all just frickin' adorable, now, speaking of disturbing internet fetishists, shrink rays are now legal-"_

Kat changed the channel again to the Mind-Crushing-Anime channel, uncensored subtitled Japanese cartoons that give people seizures.

Immediately, Lee jumped out the window and landed on the pavement, as he hated Anime as much as most of the people on Encyclopedia Dramatica. Except he wasn't a whiny little dickweed who posted articles about why he hated everything.

A squirrel sniffed Lee's half-dead body. Lee grabbed the squirrel and pointed at it, while saying harshly, "You didn't. See. Anything."

The squirrel nodded rapidly, and scuttled off.

Lee spat out about a quart of blood and got up, then he had a good look at the gigantic red blotch on the sidewalk. "Oh lord, this'll turn a few heads." Lee shrugged and left.

"Might as well hit the junkyard, considering people actually still use those to make stuff..." Lee muttered.

A large black capsule fell from the sky and landed on Lee's head, creating a giant wall of smoke.

Lee walked out of the wall of smoke with a beige four-legged crab-like being sitting on his head and contently chewing on it.

"Huh, well that was unexpected, I thought the rain of black explosive capsules was at six today," Lee scratched his head. "...What the hell is this?"

Lee yanked the crab-like being off of his forehead, which held a deep bite mark. "What the fuck? Where did this come from?" Lee drop-kicked the crab (which made a squeal of surprise) out of sight and continued walking to the garbage dump, with the crab stealthily following him.

Back at the office, the guy from earlier looked at the computer, a program trial of "Half-Life 2 References" was open in the Windows 98 monitor. An error-type message read, "_you have (1) Half-Life 2 reference remaining, would you like to use it?_"

The options three were "_Yes_", "_No_", and "_Don't we have enough of those already?_"

The mouse hovered over the third option for about three seconds, then quickly switched to _Yes_.

At the apartment, Hector walked into Lee's room and exclaimed. "HOLY SHIT."

"What?" said Kat, getting up from the chair and walking to Lee's room with a glass of Coca Cola in her hand. "If it's a brain on the floor or a giant ant in a cryogenic chamber, that's perfectly norm-" Kat dropped her glass, which didn't break because it was actually made of plastic, funny how we still call plastic cups glasses, eh? "-al."

Our mute invisible cameraman decided to get in on the action, and walked into Lee's room to show what used to be Lee's bed was now a giant metal device with an electric current going through it. Yes, this is another Half-Life reference, hopefully the last.

"What is that? What the HELL is that?" said Hector.

",,,Large by the looks of it, oh yes, and electric, yeah, that's all I can say, since I've never seen this before in my life and don't know where Lee got it from," Kat tossed the glass- er, plastic cup into the current. "Always hated these cups."

The cup (still filled with Coke) traveled through a giant wire-like tube and shot out into The Massive from Invader ZIM, 20 minutes into the future, and hit Almighty Tallest Red right in the eye.

"THE BURNING! I'M BURNING!" shouted Red, and he ran around in cicrcles with his eye hanging loosely out of its socket.

Kat decided she would use this as a free garbage disposal for a couple of minutes, because, without a doubt, fizzling stuff was fun.

A man walked through a desert and slowly died of thirst, but then, a rusty can of Coke clocked him on the head and ended his misery.

A wedding was taking place, the priest guy had just finished up with his words and the bride and groom were kissing when an uncovered dish of macaroni and cheese landed on the groom's head. Thankfully, this couple had a sense of humor.

"Oh, you guys," said the bride teasingly to the audience or whatever it's called in a wedding.

A military encampment stood in front of the camera, with a sign saying "This is the place that employs the bad guys in almost every action video game or movie"

Some guy was playing GMod on his computer all bored-like. (There sure are a lot of PC gamers in this story, huh?) At that moment, a sleeping Caleb Ethan landed on the floor behind the bored military guy.

"HOLY SHIT!" shouted the military guy, he picked up his gun and pointed it at Caleb's face, shooting several times, but missing every shot. "What's WRONG with this thing?"

Caleb groggily muttered, "You need some shooting lessons, asshole."

"What?"

Caleb opened his eyes and stared at the military guy, then at the gun, then at the chair, then at the game of GMod the guy was slowly but surely dying in. Caleb grabbed the chair and knocked the man out, grabbing his gun at the last second. He shot the computer several times so as to eliminate any evidence that the man was distracted from his GMod game. He took the key card from the man's pocket and also took his jacket, which, for some reason, was the only military-issued sort of thing that the guy had.

"You fail!" shouted Caleb, and he ran out the door.

"You sure Caleb will make his way back?" said Hector as he flipped a half-dollar with his thumb.

"We've left him on the other side of the earth and had him come back," said Kat. "He'll be fine."

"...Listen to us talking like he's some kind of lost cat, what were we thinking?" said Hector.

"Let's see, I was thinking 'this is going to be hilarious when he wakes up', 'maybe I'll go out and get a video game later on', and 'how the hell did Hector burn half his face off'?" said Kat as she turned the television back on.

Lee ran back inside of the apartment with his hair in flames and bullets coming at him, he slammed the door shut and locked it, then shouted, "SUGAR GRAPEFRUIT!" and the bullets were silenced.

"What does a red sour fruit have ANYTHING to do with self-destruct mechanisms?" said Kat.

"Poor Kat, still innocent, still safe," Lee muttered.

"Oh yeah, we tossed Caleb into your teleporter thing by the way," said Hector.

"I have NO IDEA what you're talking about," shouted Lee. "But whatever it is, I'm gonna solve with computers!"

Lee giddily ran over to his computer with his arms flailing behind him like a ragdoll and repeatedly slammed his head on the computer.

While Lee was slamming his head on the computer, Percy walked into the room, the audio of the head hitting the keyboard quickly ducking.

"Hello, I'm Percy Jackson, the fan fiction you are reading used to involve me much more often, however my appearances have since diminished, and with that, I protest," Percy grabbed Lee by the hair to make him stop slamming his head on the keyboard. "Your hands, Lee."

Lee slapped his head. "Of COURSE! My hands, why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you're an idiot and I'm supposed to be the main character," said Percy.

"TOO TRUE!" screamed Lee, and with that, he rose his finger above the keyboard, and pressed the enter key.

Then the whole apartment disappeared.

"Prepare to enter another Half-Life reference!" Lee shouted, they first ended up on Mars, our favorite little green alien charging at them with a giant laser axe, then Disneyworld, on top of one of the mascots, then the world's largest ball of yarn, rolling it away and crushing many tourists, then (this is for you, Mystic) LYOKO, landing right in the symbol of a Krabe and blowing it to smithereens, but Lee also wound up getting hit in the knee with one of Odd's laser arrows, then Equestria, and the sad truth was that Equestria had been shoved into a really big jar and placed upon a shelf as a trophy to Lee's first successful shrinking experiment in unaired episode 227, so they were just floating in absolute nonexistence with the shadows of the disgustingly high-pitched screams of the land's equestrian abominational occupants as they had diminished to the size of snowflakes a year ago.

Eventually, the ride came to a stop, and they found themselves in a space station that not even the president himself knew existed, which was orbiting the earth with a UV teleportation beam attached to its bottom.

"At least we're far from any more Half-Life references," said Tabby, who was clinging to Tom's leg for dear life. Mittens was on the other leg, and Mr Muffin occupied his head, while Dennis was just standing there on the wall (no, I think I will, Beyonce, you're not my mother, you can't tell me what to do). He didn't fall over, though, because the artificial gravity was magnetic, and only held people by the steel in their boots, so Tabby (who had just woken up, and therefore was barefoot), Mittens, Mr Muffin, and Dennis could float as they pleased.

"Now, let's go find a way to get home," said Tom, and he limped to the nearest door with a nine-year-old and a cat on his legs, making it near-impossible to move through the low-gravity environment.

As those idiots were stuck in space, Caleb had nicked a crowbar from one of the elevator winches.

"It's a good job that the only consequence in gaining my crowbar was that the elevator full of military officials -possibly with families- plummeted the next three miles worth of floors," said Caleb as a scream behind him grew fainter and fainter.

Caleb walked into the next room, where a guy with mechanical tentacles coming out of his back stood in an inescapeable force field.

"So, dis isn't that guy played by Alfred Molina, is it?" said one military official.

"Hell no, this is a totally different guy, I don't even think those mechanical legs are made of metal," said the other.

"What are they made of, then?"

"Plasma, water, some kinda strong plastic, I DON'T KNOW, MAN!"

Caleb shot a dart into both of their heads and used the card from earlier to free the guy with tentacles.

"Thank you so much, man, I don't know how to-"

Caleb shot another dart, turned the guy over, and removed the tentacles from the guy's back. "Sweeeet."

An alarm began sounding, how did we know it was an alarm? It just kept yelling "**_ALARM, ALARM, ALARM_**" over and over again.

Caleb took one of the knocked-out guys' hats and ran for the hills, if military facilities had hills anyway...

Lee tiptoed into a room with a basic Rube Goldberg in which a barrel would roll into a fire if someone were to startle an ant that would scuttle into a jelly bean, rolling an agate marble to a point where a smaller marble would be sent flying into a funnel and into a tube, then knocking into another agate marble, which would knock into a large rubber ball, which would knock into a tennis ball, which would knock into a baseball, which would knock into an old Switch Pitch, which would knock into a soccer ball, which would knock into a basketball, which would gather speed and knock into an exercise ball, hitting a weight that would lower an explosive barrel onto a slide and roll it into a large fire. Actually, that sounds fun, I might make that in GMod.

"Well, it's a good job human activities do not disturb ants, then, isn't it?" Lee said. "Now I'm just going to go right past this motion-activated shotgun- SHIT!"

The shotgun shot Lee's head into the air, right over the ant, which made a squeal of horror and ran into the jelly bean, which rolled down a little slide and created enough momentum to push the aforementioned agate marble onto a level platform where it flung a smaller marble into a funnel and into a tube, there were several clinking noises, each one lower a noise than the last, then a blue exercise ball exited the funnel of a tube and rolled onto a balance, in the corner an explosive barrel was lowered onto the slide it was supposed to roll down, but it ended up missing and instead cracking open and having all of the explosive powder empty out.

"Well, there goes the most interesting part of the story," said Lee, upset.

"Nah, I'm sure one of us ends up turning into a badass later on," said Tom. He looked down. "And finally, get-" Tom tossed Mr Muffin off of his shoulder, "-off" Tom peeled Mittens off of his leg, "-of" Tom peeled Tabby off of his leg, "-MY" Tom threw Mittens at Lee, "-LEGS!" Tom threw Tabby into some kind of energy field of doom, and ended up vaporizing Tabby.

"OH MY GOD, HE KILLED TABBY!" said Hector.

"YOU BASTARD!" said Lee.

"I didn't kill her, the bigass energy wall thing killed her," said Tom. "Besides, the author's a microphile, she's probably just near-microscopic or something."

**That's where you're wrong, Tom.**

"Oh, is it?" said Tom.

**She's not dead or microscopic, she is... an ant.**

"That has to be the third dumbest plot twist I ever heard."

**Hey, it's what I got, live with it.**

"I can't believe I'm only being paid thirty bucks an hour for this," said Tom, and he walked over to the energy field, stuck the MAGICAL ENERGY PROOF TWEEZERS into it, and pulled out a very fuzzy ant with pointy ears.

"Catants!" Lee shouted with glee. "Gentlemen, I have decided from complete inference that this is not yet another Half-Life joke, we have teleported onto a Koritsian starship!"

"So, it's piloted by cat-people?" said Tom.

"Yup," said Lee.

"So we're pretty much surrounded by catwomen?" said Tom with a tinge more enthusiasm.

"That's the idea," said Lee.

Tom dropped Tabby onto Lee's shoulder.

"NOBODY STOP ME, I'M GETTING LAID TONIGHT!" Tom shouted, and he ran into the next room like the brave soul he was.

"You men disgust me," said Kat.

"I take that as a compliment, my dear," said Lee, tipping an invisible hat to Kat, which he, once again, left at home.

Hector plucked Tabby off of Lee's shoulder and put her into a tiny glass box. "FOR SCIENCE!" Hector took out a notepad and ran to another area of the room to draw the catant.

"What kind of idiot came up with "catant" anyway?" said Kat.

"The same idiot that came up with-"

"HOLD IT!" shouted Gabe Newell, running into the room. "I'm Gabe Newell, and you have used all of your available Half-Life references, therefore, if you even dare utter the word "antlion", I will tax the everliving snot out of you."

Lee snorted.

"AND I will delete your Steam account," said Gabe.

"Then I shan't disappoint ye again!" Lee squeaked.

"What are you doing on a ship full of catwomen, anyway?" said Kat.

"Suing fanfiction authors for overuse of Half-Life references, now SHADDUP, I've got a number to count to!" Gabe exploded into dust.

"Dick," said Kat.

Tom poked his head out of the room with a bunch of kiss marks on his face. "I think I found another teleporter!"

"Excellent! Will you be coming with us for the ride?" said Lee.

"Naw, I made a promise to a certain feline woman hybrid," said Tom, and he "gave the eyebrows" to a character off screen.

Caleb had folded the spider legs from earlier into a square and put them into an old burlap back pack that he found lying around. He had found a shotgun as well, and treated it like a best friend.

Caleb whistled that music from that Tropicana commercial with the guy and the cars and the morning and such, and walked like that rage comic stick figure guy with the sunglasses and the exaggerated leg movements. I hope you know who I'm talking about.

He eventually came across a device similar to the one he was thrown through earlier, except it was more of a laser beam than a giant crater and more like something out of TRON than Half-Life (we meant what we said and we said what we meant, and an elephant's right 100 per- FUCK! Now Dr. Seuss is taxing us from the dead!)

"Well, now I'm going home," said Caleb, and he activated the interface.

Lee clicked on the similarly shaped teleporter and waited as it juiced up as something very disturbing went on behind him involving Tom and a catgirl.

Caleb stared into the line of fire that the beam projected. "I didn't spend much time here, but it was nice to be here for a couple minutes anyway."

Caleb stepped into the beam.

Lee stepped into the beam. Kat stepped in, Hector stepped in with Tabby on his shoulder. The pets stepped in, and everything went wrong.

Like, ice cream on pizza wrong.

**-PART 2: The Chapter Get's Somewhat Easier to Read-**

**THE BIG BANG**

The universe came into existence and galaxies created themselves at hyperspeed before their very eyes, past Caleb waved for a split second as he floated down to earth along with the rest of the group (including present Caleb). Time slowed down to show a barren wasteland with nothing but dirt covering the ground.

And a white empty-ish cube with a neat man in a suit and someone who looked like he hadn't showered in years standing in front of it.

"Hello, I'm a Mac," said the hobo.

"And I am a PC," said the clean man.

"And I'm sick of these commercials already," said Lee. "AAAAAAAAAH-" he pulled out an ax and charged at the Mac guy, slicing his head off.

"Oh my god!" said the PC guy.

"I'm coming for you next!" Lee shouted at the PC guy.

"BILL GATES IS YOUR FRIEND!" the PC guy ran away.

"You know, I never thought of doing that," said present day Caleb. "I had to sit through those commercials for hundreds of years and I NEVER thought of doing that."

"I wish you hadn't done that, now I'll never learn the differences between a Mac and a PC!" said past Caleb.

Lee stared at past Caleb, then brandished his ax once more.

"I'LL SHUT UP NOW!" squeaked Caleb.

"Trust me, lad, this freak o' nature right here saved you from a wonderland o' trouble," said present Caleb.

"I guess so, but now I'm bored," said Caleb.

"Agreed," said Kat. "Let's start blowing craters in the earth and see where that leads to."

Lee dropped his ax and jumped into the air, about twenty or thirty feet, actually, then he shouted, "_INCENDIO_, _REDUCTO_, **HAMMERFIST**, _BIO-BOMB BUTTKICKER_, _**HAAX**_, **IMA FIRIN' MA LAZOR**, _WRYYYYYY_, **THIS. IS. SPARTAAAA**, _SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND_, **FUS RO DAH**, or do rah, whatever boats your goat."

Lee created an enormous cavity in which tiny trees began spawning with a tiny version of the group above standing over a miniature crater.

"Well, now it's twice the boredom," said Kat.

_"Well, now it's twice the boredom,"_ said tiny Kat in a squeaky voice.

"Let's play with genesis," said Lee.

_"Let's play with genesis,"_ said the tiny Lee.

Lee dropped a boulder on top of the tiny group, and squashed them.

"Hey, mini-me was the only other intelligent being in the universe!" said Kat.

_"I'm okay!"_ said tiny Kat.

"Wonderful."

"NO!" said Lee, and he got out a bigger rock and smashed the littler rock until little pools of blood began spewing from it. "I've had e_NOUGH_ tiny people, and I don't want another copy of my_SELF_ running around!"

"I hope that's not how we end up dying," said Caleb.

"Don't count on it, it's probably gonna be worse," said Hector.

There was an incredibly loud and slow clicking noise, the space between the clicks speeding up exponentially with each click.

Lee had a look at the sky, and noticed that there was no sky, with each click it became a lighter blue until there was a loud and long bleep with an intense flash of white light that blinded damn near everyone.

When the light had cleared, they were all on the Mayflower. On it, quite literally, as everyone was hanging off of the hull with their hands shoved into it. They were also under water.

Percy popped up out of nowhere and looked out of one of the portholes above. "N00bs!" he then forced the water downward, then upward so as to yank everyone off of the hull (painfully) and have them make yet another hole in the Mayflower falling in through the top of it.

Past Caleb and past Lee were playing Chess in the cramped space in the Mayflower.

"Checkmate," said Caleb. Lee threw the board out the porthole in frustration.

"Fiddly diddly middly squiddly-" Lee had a look at the four travelers and their pets (and one catant). "-widdly?"

"Good afternoon," said present day Lee.

"...Riddly hiddly quiddly fo-fiddly _PIDDLY_!" Lee threw the table out the window as well.

"I remember this part," said present day Lee.

"Really? What happened?" said Kat.

"Well, I remember meeting your great-great-great grandmother on this ship," said Lee.

"Stop throwing tables out the window, for god's sake!" said someone very similar to Kat who had a fish in a net.

"Oh, yeah," said Lee. "This is the part where your ancestors started using aquatic animals as weapons."

Kat's ancestor repeatedly hit Lee in the eyes with the cod until Lee stumbled into a window and threw up.

"I've learned to fear cod very much," Lee said grimly.

"Well, I've just decided I'm proud of my ancestors," said Kat, and she whipped a swordfish out of hammerspace and began chasing Lee around the cabin.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmy-" Lee sprinted across the cabin like some kind of freak of nature-leopard crossbreed.

Eventually, one of the pilgrims grabbed Lee and Kat by their collars. "Stop, okay?"

"Okay," said Kat and Lee in unison.

"It's a tight space, I want you to just... _WAIT_, please. It's been at least half a year, and all I brought was a spinning top and a pocket knife."

"...Are we there yet?" said Kat.

"No," said the pilgrim.

"Are we there yet?" Lee asked.

"NO," said the pilgrim.

"Are we there yet?" Kat asked.

"_NO!_" said the pilgrim.

"Are we there yet?" asked Hector.

"**_YES!_**" said the pilgrim.

"LIAR!" Hector shouted.

"Play with the pretty coin," said the pilgrim, who flipped a two-headed shilling into Hector's hand.

"Ah-kay!" Hector said.

-T-T-T-T-TIME SKIP...ip...ip...ip-

"Bollocks!" shouted one of the pilgrims. "This place looked MUCH better in the parchment paper!"

"Shaddup!" said past Lee. "I'm hungry, I'm gonna go kill something."

"I'll come with you!" said Kat's ancestor.

And so, the mad scientist and the anime (in the case of the 17th century, Japanese play) fan ran into the woods, and their future selves followed them, along with two other characters, an Irishman, his past self, and an inventor. Plus a cat, a dog, and a catant.

Lee's past self walked into an old teepee to see if there was anything to raid. "Balderdash, just a bunch of different-colored bottles. Come out, Mittens, help me kill something."

A wee kitten popped out of a satchel that we didn't notice until now that Lee happened to be toting around, and leapt onto the ground, causing one of the bottles to break and spill on the both of them.

"God... damn it, Mittens, you don't know who this place belongs to," said Lee.

"_Help... me_," muttered a muffled voice under Lee's feet.

"Who is that?" said Lee.

"_I'm in the ground_," said the voice again.

"Answer my question, I said WHO, not WHERE."

"_Get... me... the fuck... out_," came the voice.

"Augh, FINE!" said Lee. He picked up a spade and dug the source of the voice out of the ground, a Native American man.

"Thanks a million, seriously, you go to sleep on this damn dead island, people think you're dead," said the man. "I'm a witch doctor, by the-"

"VERY ACCURATE," said Lee.

"-way, that was weird, so, do you want something to eat? I have some chicken."

"Anything else?" said Lee.

"I have this indigestible red elixir that doesn't do anything other than take up space," said the witch doctor, and he handed Lee the aforementioned red elixir.

"Bottoms up!" Lee said, and he shoved the potion down his throat, and exploded, along with Mittens.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" shouted present-day Lee. "I'm dead! My poor stupid past self is dead and now I'm dead!"

The "poor stupid past self" then reverted to its original form, along with Mittens.

"What. The _fuck_. Was that?"

Back at the apartment, Percy watched an off-screen television while eating a torrential bowl of popcorn.

**_"Welcome back to PENGUINS 24/7, penguins penguins penguins! Penguin houses, penguin hats, Batman villains! Penguins, fuck yeah!"_** shouted the television.

Sam walked in with a bodybag slung over her shoulder, and shut the door with her foot.

"Where are the others?" Sam asked as she placed the bag on the ground.

"Out," said Percy, hypnotized by the many, many penguins.

"What are you watching?" asked Sam.

"Penguins..." Percy fell over, flooding the room with popcorn.

The great zombie cat epidemic of '36, Lee had acquired a very heavy shotgun, and fired upon the many approaching adorable abominations.

"ALRIGHT, CHILDREN, CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Lee shouted through a window, knocking six or seven more catfolk dead with his Winchester. "EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR SEATS-" another four down, "-I SAID TAKE YOUR SEATS!" Lee threw a frag grenade into the crowd, sending many kitten zombies flying with mewing noises abound. "DAMMIT, SARA, I'M TALKING TO YOU, TOO!"

"I think Lee's having too much fun with this time portal malfunction," said Kat, who was wearing a hoody so as not to be mistaken for another one of the horrible abominations.

"Or you're having too little!" shouted Hector, who was manning a turret gun with glee. "This is a great oppurtunity to start selling fine products, such as ammunition!"

A zombie with a kitten on his head groaned past Hector.

"Ah! Hello, fine gentleman, we're selling many fine products, including bullets! Would you like a free sample?" Hector shot sixteen bullets into the zombie's stomach, which fell over in agony. "You'll check back with us later, then," the infected zombie kitten limped away in fear. "Ah, there's the lady of the house, perhaps you would be interested?" Then Hector turned the kitten into Swiss cheese.

"Freeman's Mind references instead of Half-Life references, loopholes, what would we do without them?" said Caleb.

A flare was shot into the air, which turned gray instantly. At once, everyone was knocked over, the kitten zombies exploded away in waves, and a random catgirl was running through wave after wave of survivors, pushing them out of the way and jumping into the group's base. Nobody got a clear look at the cat-human abomination before they were thrown on the ground and Lee having his legs ripped off because the girl just didn't like the look of him, then she burst through the ceiling and seemingly ran off at the sound of rapid tapping decreasing in volume on the roof.

"Oh yes, ADD MORE CATGIRLS, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!" Lee shouted as his legs came back onto his body.

Kat took mild offense from this, but shrugged it off, considering Lee already got his ass kicked- more accurately, separated from his torso- once.

"I have the sudden urge to go after that catgirl, considering no one attacks random people just like that," said Caleb.

"Boy, I wish THAT were the truth," muttered Hector.

"To the Jalopy!" Lee shouted, and they sprinted into a yellow muscle car that doesn't count as a Half Life 2 reference because it came from EPISODE 2.

When Caleb was badassily standing his ground on top of the car and everyone else was sitting in the regular seats, they sped off along with a gnome that Hector found earlier and decided to take with him.

Lee floored the engine after the only slightly slower catgirl who was hopping across the rooftops.

"Ready the tranquilizer, Hector!" said Lee.

Hector put a tranquilizer dart into the gnome's head, and pulled it back like a football, taking aim at the feline human.

The catgirl noticed this, and sixteen barrels filled with nitroglycerin somehow fell on top of the jalopy out of nowhere, one of which blocking the windshield.

"FUCK!" Lee shouted. Kat pulled out a gold pocket watch, which flipped open to show eight blue circular bars.

Hector opened an umbrella, and Tabby (still an ant) hid in Hector's pocket.

The barrels exploded, sending the car flying into the exact trajectory of the catgirl running across the rooftops, Caleb still clinging to the jalopy's roof without using his hands, rather, the mechanical tentacles from earlier were going down his legs and piercing the roof.

"Well, fuck my ass!" Lee shouted as the car, upside down, entered the climax of hang time. The catgirl turned her head just in time to see the jalopy an inch from her face, and it spontaniously split in two precariously, both pieces landing on either side of her.

Lee's arm was cut off in the process, he opened the door with his remaining arm, exited, and slammed it shut, then he began telling the girl off.

"Okay, I know you don't like to talk much, but I just want to know HOW THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR MY FUCKING CAR."

Lee split in two, and reformed. "Nice try, lady."

Lee grabbed the freak of nature by her pointy ears, and slammed her head on the ground. "Now, tell me, HOW. ARE YOU. GOING TO PAY. FOR MY-"

In a split second both of Lee's hands fell off and the girl's hand was at his throat.

"Please, shut up," she said calmly.

"NO!" Lee choked, and he was about to call in Mr Muffin, but Caleb came in with a flying kick to save the day.

"Peek-a-boo, ya broad!" Caleb shouted.

"Fuck!" the girl shouted, and she ran for her life, still dragging Lee's suffocating body with her.

"Get back here!" screamed Caleb, he drew an axe at least twice his own size and threw it at his target's back, succeeding with ludicrous accuracy, and causing the girl to drop Lee on the ground so she could get the axe out of her back.

"Don't struggle, Claire," Caleb began. "Now get up and give me a hug."

**-PART 3: The Plot (if there was one) Thickens-**

"So, are all of your siblings cat based?" asked Lee as his hands grew back.

Caleb discarded the giant axe after he finished hugging his other sister. "The two I have, yeah."

"Why?" said Lee.

"The first time, I asked for a sister, the second, a more mature one," said Caleb. "And you know how gods love to screw with mortals' heads."

"Oh, trust me, I know." Lee took out the dart from earlier and hid it behind his back, "and by the way, Claire..."

Claire turned around as Lee shoved the dart into her flesh, except it wasn't a dart, it was a marker.

Lee threw the marker on the ground. "How do you do that?"

"I harvested enough energy from different areas of the earth to produce an ability to make time stand still. In that time I have crushed the syringe you were using earlier and replaced it with a Crayola marker."

"How do you crush things so easily?" Lee asked.

"The laws of physics permit me to treat solids like liquids when time is frozen and I am moving faster than the speed of light," said Claire, who had a live fish in her hand.

"Kickass," said Lee.

"Indeed," said Claire, the fish's head was missing and nobody had seen her bite it.

"Have you used this method to cheat in any sports?" said Hector.

"I tried, but I just ended up killing everybody," said Claire, the fish now completely gone from existence.

"You know, you remind me a lot of Alex Mercer from [PROTOTYPE]," said Lee. "Have you ever done a flying kick from the top of the tallest building you can find straight into a helicopter?"

"Once, it was a little uncomfortable, considering that I needed to do this at a speed in which I wouldn't pass through the helecopter, but-"

"Okay, bored now, moving on." Lee said.

"Why you little-" Claire began to come towards him.

"_**KEY**_!" Lee shouted, and kicked Claire into orbit.

"What the hell, man!" Caleb shouted. "You just shot my sister into frickin' SPACE!"

"Actually, I just wanted to see if she saw that coming," said Lee.

Claire bullet-dived from space on a collision course with Lee's target of a head.

"Yep, she did," said Lee. "I wonder if she's using time travel to fall so quickly."

Lee was soon curb-stomped by the time-traveling cat beast, not harming the building in any way. Lee spat out yet another quart of blood.

"Happened again! Maybe I should try donating blood some time, considering I have more of it than the average manga character."

"That would be wrong," said Claire. "It would infuriate the armada."

"Armada-?"

"_I'vesaidtoomuch,_" said Claire, literally speeding up her voice with time travel.

"Say, Claire, considering you have so much control over time, could you warp us over to present day?" Lee asked.

"It IS present day," said Claire.

"No it's not!" Lee shouted. "This isn't twenty-twelve!"

"You're from twenty-twelve?" Claire said giddily. "Do you have flying cars yet?"

"One, but it's very inefficient and you need to treat it like an airplane, it's also five hundred thousand dollars without air conditioning," said Hector.

"How about floating cities?" Claire said, slightly more worriedly.

"You mean, like Venice?" Lee asked.

"NO! I mean, like, cities that hover!" said Claire.

"Uh, no," said Lee.

"Hydratable food?" said Claire.

"Heck, no," Kat said.

"Is the entire world a dead wasteland in which the only arks for humanity are giant silos that for some reason don't have any goddamn elevators?" Claire said, even more worried.

"No..." said Caleb.

"What the HELL are you guys DOING with your time?" asked Claire.

"...Throwing birds at green pigs and declaring pizza a vegetable," said Hector.

"IDIOTS!" Claire screamed, she walked along the building, ripped a chunk out of it, and turned around, the large chunk of debris on her back. "Who is responsible for such a game as throwing birds at green pigs?"

"Steve Jobs?" said Caleb.

"I shall locate and kill his father and slash or grandfather! TO THE WAR!" Claire grunted as she took a step forward with the chunk of building on her head, she couldn't see straight, either, so she fell off the building and into a river of toxic waste. "Fuck!"

"There are a LOT more of those in twenty-twelve, trust me!" said Lee.

Lee hopped onto the ground from the building to help Claire up, just then, the ominous and most interruptive clicking noise sounded once more, and the entire group, now including Claire and Hector's gnome, were transported through time.

Percy was watching the bloopers of a few Twilight Zone episodes, and was on Stopover in a Quiet Town, the scenes were very monotonous bloopers that anyone in the late 1950s would probably find somewhat humorous. However, at this one, Kat, Lee, Hector, Caleb, a gnome, some girl with cat ears, Mr Muffin, and Mittens (along with a faint blur that looked like some kind of fuzzy ant) landed on top of the house like some biomass meteorite. After several apologies and a good talking-to from Rod Serling, the group headed out of the stage building, then there was a flash of bright light through the window.

Percy stared for a moment, then shrugged and left the building.

In the year of 1969, a shuttle was launched into space, but not through several computers or one supercomputer, Hector launched it with a smart phone.

Back at the a-hole business manager's office, the guy sat at his desk and played solitaire on his computer, it being Friday, he would be leaving early due to the new "Half-day Friday" policy that he introduced an hour ago, and therefore found it a perfect excuse to just laze around playing solitaire on his computer for the next half of an hour, even though he should be working.

At that point, the freshly repaired window was destroyed by a jar, which Sam threw, because they were out of boxes.

The manager, expecting more hate notes, opened the jar, and looked inside.

What he saw instead was worse and more horrifying than any hate note he had ever seen.

It was now 1984, everyone in the street looked at the sky with irritation in their eyes.

"Well, this was a disappointment," said one woman, deciding that she looked like an idiot when she looked like she was expecting a rapture.

"I agree entirely," said a child who had gone grocery shopping for his mother.

"Wait, hang on, I see something!" shouted a man who looked like a complete rapture monkey.

"Oh, be quiet, Frank," said the man's brother, and everyone went home, completely oblivious to the meteorized characters who had crashed head-on into Frank.

When everyone recovered from the blast, (except poor Frank, who was comatose) Lee shouted over to the people who had left the scene, "2000 isn't going to be ANY different! Just letting you know!"

The ticking came back, and everyone groaned, then, of course, they vanished.

"How long is this going to go on for?" said Kat as everyone traveled through time at light speed.

"That teleporter that we used earlier sent us back in time as well as the places we have been going to, note how we started off on some sort of island off the coast of Massachusetts, then New Plymouth, then into Boston, then Arkham, and now we're sort of on the way to New York City, two-thousand nine, I believe."

"That's stupid," said Kat.

"Well, the excuse plot is that the teleporter was short-circuiting. Nonetheless, we're on our way to our time period, we'll just be a block or two away from where we need to be," said Lee.

"Fan-tucking-fastic," said Caleb.

Hector, meanwhile, still had his gnome, and was planning to put it into a rocket ship.

"We're almost always altogether for some reason, so each of us barely has an opportunity to say a line in each segment of the chapter," said Percy out of nowhere.

"How the hell did you get here?" said Lee.

"I'm just that awesome," said Percy.

The time stream popped, and the entire group landed on a helicopter that was hovering above the Empire State Building.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" shouted the pilot, and he jumped out of the helicopter.

"That was easy," said Lee, and he hopped into the helicopter.

But it most certainly was not easy, as the pilot somehow morphed into a guy with a hoodie through a biomass transformation.

"So that actually happened, wonder what the hell the gods were doing during this time," said Percy, then he remembered the year. "Oh yeah."

The man with the hoodie was completely oblivious to the fifteen-foot gods attacking the monster that was larger than about a hundred aircraft carriers.

"This... explains a lot, actually," said Percy. "I remember seeing that guy running around outside while I was beating the crap out of Luke, who then beat the crap out of Kronos, who then exploded into the crap that he was made of."

"At some point, there was a nuke involved, right?" Lee asked.

Percy cleared his throat, and in a high-pitched German accent, he said, "I HAVE NO IDEA."

"So close, but the correct answer was, 'I thought it was-"

The man in the hoodie flying kicked the helicopter to pieces, shattering it and turning it to burning rubble.

"WE'RE GOING DOWN! MAY-DAY, MAY-DAY, WE ARE GOING DOWN!" Lee screamed through a radio for no apparent reason.

"SHUT UP!" said the guy in the hoodie, and he fired a missile at the helicopter, reducing it to even more rubble and sending everyone into the wall of the Empire State Building.

"And this happened, too, I remember everything!" said Percy.

"FALCOWN PAWNCH!" shouted the hooded person, and punched Lee in the face with a fist the size of a large cat, beheading him.

"You are not happy today, are you?" said Kat.

"NOPE!" said the hooded man.

"What happened?"

"It's Monday."

Everyone paused.

"Perfect excuse," said Kat.

Once more in present day, inside the manager's office building, the manager had just unleashed all of the occupants of the once-contained Equestria out into the world- moreso, the office building, because they didn't have thumbs and the strange MAGICAL energy field of Equestria that allowed for psychokinetic powers was not present on the planet Earth, so they couldn't open doors and decided that they would take out all communications with the outside world (via simply crushing the routers with their hooves and eating every phone or 3G-capable device that they could find) and begin assimilating the people of the office building into bronies.

One human was promised not to be assimilated if he wrote a list of all the people in the office in alphabetical order, then he was tossed out a window by the flying blue one.

**-PART 4: PWNees-**

"What, exactly, gives you the right to call yourself ZEUS?" Percy asked the hooded man.

"The people over at Blackwatch," said the hooded man, who we will now refer to as ZEUS.

"Uh-huh, what, can they control time? Are you capable of controlling the frickin' weather?" Percy asked.

"Nope!" said ZEUS, his neck had elongated and he was wearing a hard hat for this moment.

"Kay, but the real Zeus is going to be reporting some major copy-"

"**_FUS RO DAH!_**" shouted the god Zeus, who was standing on top of the Empire State Building.

Everyone fell into the street at this, and screamed (except ZEUS, Caleb, Lee, and Claire)

"The best thing about this game is that there's no fall damage! Watch!" ZEUS bullet-dived to the ground.

When ZEUS hit the ground, he created a giant gas explosion that actually cushioned the fall for the rest of the group and allowed them to float safely to the ground.

"Nice job, Al-" Hector began.

ZEUS gave Hector a death glare.

"Erm, I mean ZEUS."

"That's better," said the freak of nature.

"_There's the turd! There's ZEUS!_" shouted one of the military guys, who was immediately incinerated by a lightning bolt from above.

Lee gave the sky a thumbs-up.

_"Where were we when this happened?"_ said Mr Muffin, then he gasped, "_I did it! I actually spoke!_"

"_Good for you,_" said Mittens.

"I think we were all in space, attempting to stop Squishy, the Hugger of Worlds, from bear-hugging the earth," said Kat. (As seen in unaired episode 27)

"Jeez, a lot of things threatened the earth in the summer of 2009," said ZEUS.

"And during the fall there is going to be yet ANOTHER zombie invasion, same date as the last one, November the seventeenth," said Lee.

"Doesn't this already sort of count as a zombie invasion?" ZEUS asked.

"It isn't quite as humanoid as the zombie invasion that's going to happen this fall."

"I don't think anyone get's the joke, Lee," Kat said.

"Really? Well, what about those days where my LEGOs came to life last year and played out classic movies and comic books?" Lee said.

"I don't even get that one," said Kat.

"Then there was that whole dystopian disaster in 2004 that didn't get cleaned up until some time in 2007, also in 2007, there was that whole screw-up at Aperture Science, then my LEGO figures played out the whole Star Wars saga, and earlier on in France there were those kids who found that computer that sent them into that virtual world in 2003, and I think in early 2009 or late 2008 they finally shut that goddamn computer down."

"You would REALLY need to know what happened in those years to get that joke," said ZEUS.

"You guys are impossible," Lee muttered, then he perked up. "What about that day in 2000 where all those clones attacked that assassin?"

"You're trying too hard, now," said Kat. "If anyone got the jokes earlier and laughed, they aren't laughing anymore, I assure you."

"Oh, YOU SUCK!" Lee pouted.

Tick, tick, tick...

Lee groaned. "I'm just gonna start bringing people with me, now. ZEUS, I'm the guy who drank the last of the coffee!"

"WHAT?" ZEUS said, and, of course, he ate Lee, causing the both of them to disappear into the warp that the bright light created.

Back at the apartment, Sam drained the life from a mouse as she watched television. "Really need to fix this thing, it's twenty minutes too fast."

The television exploded, and Sam turned her head a full 180 degrees to see that Lee, Caleb, Claire, ZEUS, Hector, Kat, Mittens, Mr Muffin, and Hector's gnome had all materialized within the premises.

Sam had a look at the gnome, then Claire, then ZEUS. "Eventful day?"

"Yep," said Kat.

"I've been hearing a lot of suffering over at the office building, by the way, just wanted to let you know that things haven't dulled down over here."

"Lovely," said Kat, and she sat down with her ferret and read a book.

"I'm going to go, now," said ZEUS, and he jumped out the window.

"Well, back to typing," said Lee, and he walked over to his computer and slammed his head on the keyboard.

The camera panned over to Rod Serling, who was standing in the corner, "There's a lesson to be learned, here, if you own a computer and you're bored, don't write fan fiction. You can play a video game, you can go to YouTube, you can make a sandwich, but please, for god's sake, don't write fan fiction when you're bored, it could be much longer than intended, in, the Adventures of Kat and Lee..." Rod checked to see if anyone was looking, then he said, "Twilight Zone," and left.

When Rod was off-camera, he muttered, "How did I get in here?"

**Th-th-that's all, dopes!**


End file.
